1. It’s the biggest mark of disrespect when people don’t return things they’ve borrowed.
THAT TUPPERWARE WAS PART OF A SET GODDAMMIT.
2. You overshare details of your life…with complete strangers.
“So my doctor says it isn’t contagious, so that was a HUGE relief.”
3. It takes you ages to leave the house because you never know where your phone/keys/wallet are.
Or your memory.
4. You can no longer keep up with the latest music.
And why can’t he just be a nice young man?
6. …or fashion.
Crotchless, backless, and sleeveless? WHAT?
7. Yet you feel compelled to pass judgement on other people’s choices.
8. Your militancy when it comes to bad manners is unwavering.
9. You’re genuinely concerned about how much people drink these days.
10. You get off on complaining about customer service.
Mama better get some free shit.
11. You’ve watched a Judge Judy/nature documentary/true movies marathon.
What is Netflix?
12. You go a little over the top when there are offers at the supermarket.
Because you can freeze anything.
13. Your first instinct when something goes wrong is to blame the younger generation.
14. Yet you often find yourself trying to prove you’re “cool” to teenagers.
And successfully prove that you’re “creepy.”
15. You’re mesmerized by the plethora of “handy” gadgets available on shopping channels.
MUST. HAVE. OCTODOG.
16. Being told you look “young” is the biggest compliment you could ever receive.
Even though you’re a mere 26 years old.
17. And because you respond well to over-the-top flattery, you become an easy target for salespeople.
You think I’m pretty and that I should enhance my features further with your special brand of exclusive makeup? OK.
18. Which means you wind up on monthly payment plans to charities you’ve never heard of.
What is this picture of a famished kid? Where is Mongeelia?
19. You laugh at your own jokes.
Because you’re in denial about how shit they are.
20. And you tell long-winded stories that you’ve either told countless times before, or have no point whatsoever.
“And that’s when I realized guys, that they were OUT OF BREAD!”