1. “I hate to say it but…I told you so.”
Your smugness is really comforting, thanks.
2. “I knew it. What did I tell you?”
Another way of saying ” I told you so.” Great.
3. “I’m not judging you, but…”
4. “I’m just playing Devil’s advocate here.”
And enjoying every minute of it.
5. “How confident are you?”
Well now that you mention it, NOT AT ALL.
6. “Have you weighed the pros and cons?”
No.. but I’ve weighed the sugar and butter and yes, I still want to eat it.
7. “There’s always next time.”
So that part where I said it was my last chance?
8. “Is it something you need or something you want?”
Aren’t they the same thing?
9. “What’s your plan?”
To ask you what the hell I should do, DUH.
10. “You should speak to [insert name of someone who everyone thinks is better than you], they’re really good at this kind of thing.”
They are also a douchebag. Are you asking me to be a douchebag?
11. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
12. “I’m only telling you this because I love you.”
Love me less. PLEASE.
13. “Someday, you’ll look back on this and laugh.”
14. “You tried your best and that’s all that matters.”
I hope you have an award for me. You don’t? Case and point.
15. “The best thing you can do is just stay positive.”
Or I could just get really really drunk?
16. “If you want my honest opinion…”
When I asked for your opinion, clearly I meant your fake opinion.
17. “Well, you asked for my advice…”
And now I fucking regret it.