1. Growing up, you were the last to fall asleep at sleepovers.
2. And now, you’re restlessly awake for hours after your significant other has fallen asleep next to you.
3. You have friends in other timezones to keep you company when everyone around you is fast asleep.
4. You schedule emails to send later so your boss* won’t judge you for working at 4 a.m.
*And colleagues, and professors, and friends, and parents.
5. You work all day, but don’t really get anything done until you’re alone in the dead of night.
6. If you have roommates, you spend your prime working hours tiptoeing and typing as quietly as possible.
7. You know every 24-hour store and restaurant in your neighborhood.
8. And the late-night food delivery men know you by name.
9. Your innocuous texts come across as drunk booty texts just by virtue of being sent at 3 a.m.
10. Getting in bed early doesn’t mean getting more sleep. It means angrily tossing and turning for a few hours.
11. People constantly ask you why you’re up so late, and you don’t know what to say.
And: “Wow, you’re literally a vampire.”
12. Your friends are always tired and ready to go home when you’re just starting to have fun.
13. But if they ever make early plans, you’re definitely the last to show up.
Brunch at noon? How about 3 p.m. instead?
14. Seriously. Everything about waking up in the morning sucks. Fuck alarms and sunrise and birds chirping.
15. People are always giving you well-meaning advice on how to fall asleep earlier.
And, out of desperation, you’ve tried almost all of it.