1. Spending an extravagant amount of money on something extremely unnecessary.
Lesson learned: Man, that Kanye concert was so fun! You know what isn’t fun? Starvation!
2. Pulling all-nighters for fun.
Lesson learned: Hell is working a 9-to-5 on no sleep.
3. Leaving the dishes undone for a month and a half.
Lesson learned: Of all unwelcome houseguests, mold and fungus are the least welcome.
4. Experiencing a mortifying public wardrobe malfunction.
Lesson learned: If they don’t have it in your size, don’t effin’ buy it.
5. Dating someone your mother doesn’t like.
Lesson learned: Moms love us and are always right.
6. Maintaining a polite acquaintanceship with someone whose name you can’t remember.
Lesson learned: It’s less awkward to ask 50 times the first time you meet than to ask once six months later.
8. Drunkenly hooking up with a coworker.
Lesson learned: Dying of dehydration is probably more fun than this particular brand of water cooler chitchat.
9. Letting yourself believe that you have a thirteen year old boys’ metabolism and neglecting your body.
Lesson learned: Nothing tastes as good as fitting into your clothes feels. Your body is a temple. Play temple run.
10. Developing a deep and crippling and all-consuming addiction to a TV show.
Lesson learned: Real life friendships don’t end when the series does. Go socialize.
11. Convincing your ex that you’re a psycho by refusing to get over them for an unreasonably long time.
Lesson learned: If you love something, let it go. If you don’t, they might get a restraining order.
12. Sharing highly personal information on the internet.
Lesson learned: There are some things your boss really doesn’t need to know.
13. Reading the Sparknotes of the classics instead of reading the classics.
Lesson learned: There’s only so long you can get away with pretending to have read books you haven’t read before someone tells you you’re pronouncing Karenina wrong.
14. Making up lame excuses to escape family time.
Lesson learned: Your fam is the coolest bunch of people ever. Like, ever. And you’re an idiot.
15. Throwing out pieces of clothing because you think you’ll never need them again.
Lesson learned: American Apparel will make everything trendy again in exactly five years and then it will cost $200. #RIPjeanjacket
16. Agreeing to crucial “terms and conditions” without reading them.
Lesson learned: There are very few things more annoying than reading the fine print. Law suits are one of them.
17. Throwing out all the collectible relics of your childhood.
Lesson learned: Aside from their sentimental value, useless junk has a way of becoming very valuable eventually. Sorry that your Dragon Ball Z cards would’ve made you a millionaire. Sorry.
18. Making screen names and email addresses that truly capture your emotional maturity.
Lesson learned: Let’s stick to first-name-last-name next time, xoAngelBitch143xo.
19. Subscribing to magazines because you think having them show up at your house will make you read.
Lesson learned: Nothing in the world will make you feel stupider than seeing piles of The Economist sitting unread while you read Cosmo without pants on.
20. Getting drunk, thinking you’re a superhero, and waking up with inexplicable bruises.
Lesson learned: Just because your inhibitions are gone doesn’t mean that gravity is gone also. The cracked iPhone screen is a free bonus.
21. Throwing out unflattering baby pictures of yourself.
Lesson learned: Happy #throwbackthursday. Happy #whereismychildhood.
22. Starting a drastic and unrealistic diet/cleanse with unwavering resolve to lose twenty pounds.
Lesson learned: Consuming nothing but kale juice for a week will make you then eat nothing but Taco Bell for a year.
23. Neglecting all your friends because you’re obsessed with your significant other.
Lesson learned: Your friends will be there no matter how much you suck. Buy them presents.
24. Trying to exploit online services by signing up for every free trial that is offered to you.
Lesson learned: Nobody tells you when your free trial expires and turns into a paid subscription. And that is why you are poor.
25. Going on an extravagant spring break trip that you definitely could not afford.
Lesson learned: Vegas is fun. Overdrafts not so much.
26. Washing your whites with your colors.
Lesson learned: Wearing pale pink everyday really doesn’t do anyone any favors.
27. Locking yourself out of your apartment.
Lesson learned: Your super is a little bitch, but one you should be nice to nonetheless.
28. Signing up to live with someone without a thorough background check and character test.
Lesson learned: Satan is real and he manifests himself through mismatched roommates.