Your Secret Guide To Winning At Freshman Year

Here’s the advice you won’t find in an orientation packet.

1. Think very carefully about the posters you intend to put up in your dorm room.

This is the No. 1 thing you will be judged on.

2. Clean up your Facebook.

You’re about to make a lot of new friends, and hiding everything pre-high school won’t hurt.

3. Work out. You’re about to embark on the most unhealthy four years of your life. Soften the blow.

4. Objectively evaluate whether or not you want your high school sweetheart to become your college LDR.

Beware of the turkey dump.

5. If you intend to start drinking in college, start slow. You don’t want your first drink to be the jungle juice at SigEp’s orientation party.

Fruit punch and Everclear is a lot more dangerous than it tastes and you will end up on Texts From Last Night.

6. Stop telling your high school friends that you’ll Skype every week. You won’t.

7. Do. Not. Sign. Up. For. Morning. Classes.

10 a.m. is a lot earlier at college than it is in high school.

8. Before you leave, eat all the home-cooked food you possibly can. It’s all Ramen from here on out.

9. Don’t go crazy buying school supplies. You will use precisely one pen and one laptop.

10. Lower your sexpectations.

College is pretty fun (and if you seek sex, you’ll find it), but it isn’t the dirty free-for-all that ’90s summer blockbusters make it out to be.

11. Rethink everything you know about Halloween. It isn’t one night; it’s four.

College Halloween lasts from Wednesday night to Sunday night. So plan your costume(s) accordingly.

12. Take that clothes iron out of your suitcase right now. You will not iron anything for four years.

Unless you need a way to make sausages in your dorm room, college dress code = wrinkly chic.

13. Buy enough underwear to last you a month.

Because that’s how infrequently you will do laundry.

14. I know you’re excited to make friends, but go easy on your class’s Facebook page.

You don’t wanna be that guy.

15. Figure out which energy drink does the trick for you.

There are Red Bull people, and there are Monster people. There are coffee people, and there are 5-Hour Energy people. Which are you? Figure it out now, because the night before your first final is too late for trial and error.

16. Befriend someone with a car.

You will show them mad love one day per year for the next four years: move-out day.

17. Don’t expect to be BFFs with your randomly assigned roommate, or anyone you meet the first week of school.

Sure, it could happen, but chances are your real life-long friends will come along a little later, and in unexpected ways.

18. And find a convenient way to document every significant moment, be it a journal or your Instagram feed.

The next four years will fly by and you’re gonna wanna remember them. Congrats, kiddos!

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