Safe to assume the author was an epic virgin.

“your eyes are the sound of rain.” gosh, if i had a dollar for every time that line worked…

Who published this? The author was just picking random words from the dictionary. “Her feet were like driftwood…no, springs…no, ummm, marmosets! Yeah, that's it!”

This description reads like it was accidently translated from english into some language like mandarin chinese, and then back into english again. Or maybe the author has synesthesia.

as if it's so much worse than all the other shit people buy up by the ton.

Huh?

That book is a steaming pile of orc shit encased in a huge dragon turd. Reading it deals 3d8 damage to your reputation and assesses a permanent -10 penalty to your chance to ever get laid.

“Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest…” right, 'cos before the harvest pubes smell like yeast…

“Her tongue was a ferret.” Which is why, of course, her full name was Princess Bronwyn Ferret-Tongue.

“…hard as amethysts…”