You might have heard of Skyrim, the mega-popular fifth instalment in the Tolkien-inspired Elder Scrolls video game series, in which you kill dragons by shouting at them.
Now meet Patrick Lenton. He's an author from Sydney, Australia.
worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster
This morning he tweeted a story about how he found a dog in Skyrim and tried to adopt it. Hold on tight because it is EPIC.
Lenton really liked the dog.
@PatrickLenton and I fucking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog
@PatrickLenton this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG'
He fought hard to stop dragons eating it.
@PatrickLenton and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious
He built a house for the dog.
@PatrickLenton so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit
@PatrickLenton while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch
But there's a problem:
@PatrickLenton and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog
@PatrickLenton so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her
And that doesn't quite work out.
@PatrickLenton but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere
@PatrickLenton and I don't even like children
@PatrickLenton and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard)
@PatrickLenton and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER
@PatrickLenton SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A FUCKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER
@PatrickLenton BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND
And still, the dog was following him around.
@PatrickLenton and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherfucker
@PatrickLenton anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a fucking demon dog, and it comes with me too
@PatrickLenton and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate
@PatrickLenton finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months)
@PatrickLenton it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun
@PatrickLenton and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev
As if things couldn't get any worse, the girl instead adopts something else.
@PatrickLenton and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world
@PatrickLenton and she's ADOPTED A FUCKING RAT
@PatrickLenton THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH
@PatrickLenton AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT
There is a slight tangent in the story here about Lenton's character marrying a "hot to trot" lioness called Mjoll.
@PatrickLenton in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother
@PatrickLenton and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too
It turns out Skyrim is a socially progressive place.
@PatrickLenton and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool
@PatrickLenton so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully.
@PatrickLenton and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted.
And phew! That's the end of it.
@PatrickLenton and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.
OH WAIT NO IT'S NOT.
@PatrickLenton although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog.
@PatrickLenton so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him fuck off back to his OWN HOUSE
@PatrickLenton my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle
Oops.
@PatrickLenton and he died
@PatrickLenton and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away
@PatrickLenton so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man
But still. All's well that ends well.
@PatrickLenton i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU
We asked Lenton if there was any update and sadly there isn't, there's just a reminder that relationships in fantasy computer games can be hard work.
@psmith this all happened a while ago on a housemates Xbox. From memory every time I got near my house, angry wife would chase me off :(
@psmith but you know - breakups can be rough
Read the whole thing in full here.