1. The work Christmas party. It's a time for giving. And sharing.
2. A time for team bonding. Letting your hair down. And maybe seeing your boss in a new light.
I left a job before Christmas one year, and heard about the 'party' from friends there. It was held in January, at the boss's huge house to save money. He tried to get as many of the younger, gullible/desperate women to attend as possible. When they got there they found he had big 'arty' murals of naked women on the walls. He kept mentioning his hot tub loudly, then kicked everyone out at 8:30pm when he got sick of it/realised no-one was going to shag him.
4. Maybe leave out the motivational speeches and proceed straight to the oral consumption of hard booze.
5. Some people like to get to know their colleagues, a whole lot better.
There was one time when we did secret Santa before an Xmas do. This guy had been saying this girl needed cheering up so as a secret Santa bought her a dildo! She opened it in front of everyone and just hissed "pathetic" before storming out and leaving the dildo on a table. There was a proper awkward silence for the first hour or so... But then we realised the dildo had gone - no one ever knew what happened to it...
We had ours in the office and had to provide the food and booze. Someone decided to give it a BBQ theme and so cooked a load of sausages and filled the building with smoke.It was already rubbish but it got worse when my secret santa gift made me cry. I'm recently single and someone got me a trivia game for couples 'How well do you know your partner?' in a little heart-shaped tin. I'm a 29 year old man. It was incredibly embarrassing.
8. It's only a real party once the police turn up.
9. Fancy a dance? Why not? Beware though, these days popular music is fraught with ethical dilemmas.
Then, the fucking fire alarm goes off. I turn off the music, turn up the lights and the bartender and I start asking people to go upstairs and outside. Half of them ignore us until we go up to them specifically and talk to them, and about five people flat out refused to move.It is at this point that I see water gushing out of a seam in the wall. It is spreading across the floor at an alarming rate. At this point, I stop being polite and tell them that they have to leave, or I will have to call the manager. Eventually they move, but insist on taking their drinks with them. Fine.I should point out here that this took place at around 11.50pm, and the party had only booked up the basement until 12. So they were only losing out on 10 minutes of time based on something they did in the first place. I have to handle aggressive, rude and nasty drunks, who feel cheated by the fact that we won't let them dance in an inch of soapy water. The poor darlings.Eventually, after three people falling down the stairs, eight broken glasses, one injured employee, three bathroom cubicles covered wall to floor with puke, a flooded basement and two women so drunk the taxis won't take them in their cars, we get everyone out.
11. Make sure you leave with all your belongings intact.
12. And be careful when leaving. It's traditional for at least one co-worker to fall asleep on a bus or train and end up miles away from home.
13. We've all done it.
Woo Christmas!
