Ha ha! I'm a minister too, ladies! Come 'ere….

Gets busted smoking crack, doing coke, smoking weed, votes against gay marriage, drives drunk, cheats on taxes, stalks ex, lines pockets with city cash. Keeps getting elected. You have no idea, Poland!

And if you're going to put dividers between urinals, they need to come up high enough to block sight lines and low enough to block ankle piss splatter! Lots of work ahead of you, divider industry.

Why have painful wedding night sex? Get it out of the way and build up your freak. Also, she is awesome.

Ha ha ha! I was Want To Be Home Reading guy. Especially on New Years Eve at one of those bmp bmp bmp bmpbmpbmp bmp bmp NEW YEARS EVE BLOWOUT clubs. Ugh.

Vice President of Clowns, he meant.

DJ Camilla's Tampon on the ones and twos, everybody!

Booo. This is like when they considered Tom Selleck to play James Bond. Bad fit!

Ugh, the dreaded spermbrows. Don't do it, ladies! Also no half-Spocks or pencil thin McDonald's arches.

Lark Voorhies got her nose shortened. Everybody's doing it.

Last night I made an egg bacon and tomato sandwich for dinner. Normally you'd do BLT or egg bacon and cheese, but I got confused and curveball'd that shit.

They never work. They look awful on everyone under 60 even if famous. Don't don't don't.

Let's play a game called “Make 69 Year Old Twin Dutch Prostitutes A Worse Thing”. I would start but it's a hard game. I mean you could throw herpes in there or something obvious but that's bush league.

Wait I change my answer. It's the flaming black guy on the right. Because flaming.

She just busted out everywhere in like the last two weeks. It's an outbreak!

My money's on Robin if he's still around.

This is parody… right? This took 5 minutes to write. In 1989. Awful!

Man, that's depressing. Trading of your kids' show catchphrase from 13 years ago. He has to be sad.