53 Times Elaine Benes Was The Biggest Hot Mess On Television

She wines. She dines. She *dances.*

1. When her Christmas card had a nip slip.

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2. When she overslept, then frantically tried to get Ed ready so he could make his flight.

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“You want a brown sweater? YOU GOT A BROWN SWEATER!”

3. When she fasted for 3 days for an ulcer test and became delusional.

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“How do we know that dog food is any good? WHO TASTES IT?”

4. And then snatched a Drake’s Coffee Cake out of Newman’s hands.

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5. When she suggested this possibility to someone at a party:

Side note: JLD’s Australian accent was on point here.

6. When she took too many muscle relaxants and couldn’t hold it together for this photo.

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Say Astronaut!

7. And then that same night, when “Stella! Stellaaaaaaa!” happened.

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Basically that entire night she was a raging hot mess.

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8. When she busted into a fit of laughter at George’s girlfriend’s piano performance, all because of a Pez dispenser.

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9. When she had major anxiety on the subway.

10. When she lost a boyfriend and a job because of Jujyfruits.

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11. When she realized that without a significant other and a job, she had become George.

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12. When she could not conceal her hatred for “The English Patient.”

I’d rather see Sack Lunch too, Elaine.

13. When she found out her coworker thought she was promiscuous and full of germs, so she did stuff like this:

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“She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed
her stapler in my armpit, and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah, she’s a
wacko.”

14. When the steam in the bagel shop got the best of her.

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15. When she thought she could run the J. Peterman Catalog.

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“It’s a peach! I said, ‘It’s a peach!’”

16. And then realized that she could not and that putting the urban sombrero on the cover was a big mistake.

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Who would have thought that something that combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache would be such a failure? Who?

17. When she tried to put Putumayo out of business…

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“Cinco de Mayo! Sales commission, bye bye-o!”

18. Which led to her looking like this.

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That explains the rain.

19. When she protested the cake-filled celebrations in her office.

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“Do we have to be fat too?!”

20. When she went to town on Peterman’s $29,000 cake.

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And then tried to replace it with an $2.19 Entenmann’s.

21. When she dated her psychiatrist.

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Guy was a first-grade Svenjolly…err, Svengali rather.

22. When her ink spill caused Mr. Pitt to look like this:

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23. Basically her entire time with Mr. Pitt.

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Though one may contend that a guy who eats a Snickers with a knife and fork is a mess, too.

24. When she went a little too hard with the peach schnapps and spilled the beans about Nina.

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Hey, George was the one who gave it to her.

25. When she went hard again and told Jerry (or should I say Jugdish?) about Pinter.

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26. And ended up waking up in the morning with a nose ring.

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Pretty freakyyy.

27. When she pretended to reside in apartment 1Q so that she could get flounder delivered.

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28. When she braced her fall with a woman’s chest.

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Turns out the chick was not playing with Confederate money.

29. When she most definitely did not have grace.

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30. When she thought she had rabies and lashed out at Kramer.

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31. When she thought she had rabies, continued.

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“SHE’S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!”

32. When she broke up with a guy for not using an exclamation point.

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33. When she exacted revenge on the woman who couldn’t spare a square.

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34. When she stole the mannequin that looked like her.

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“You think you can pose me however you want? That’s my ass in your window!”

35. When she struggled to come up with a load of crap about the Himalayan walking shoe.

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36. When she was filled with anger because someone was discussing her Botticelli shoes.

37. When she lost a button on her shirt and unwittingly showed some major skin to her ex BF.

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38. When she ripped George’s hair piece off his head and threw it out the window.

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“I DON’T LIKE THIS THING, AND HERE’S WHAT I’M DOING WITH IT.”

39. When she got in a catfight with Raquel Welch.

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40. When she had to use Mrs. Seinfeld’s sample to pass a urine test because she had eaten poppy seeds.

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41. When she got in a fight with Frank Costanza.

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42. When she had stump troubles.

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43. When she got her 212 number back but then had to pretend to be a little kid’s grandma.

44. When she shoved Kramer into some bushes so she could babysit her friend’s kid.

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“I couldn’t raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around!”

45. When she was on a plane sandwiched between Puddy and another guy, whom she called:

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46. When she was neither Susie nor Suze, but DEFINITELY not Suze.

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47. When the Susie story went a little too far, resulting in Elaine delivering the eulogy for a person who never existed.

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And people bought it. She was just fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

48. When she had a little too much fun with the Peterman expense account.

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49. When she had a makeout sesh at her company Christmas party.

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“We made out at the table like our plane was going down!”

50. When she went to great lengths to get her chart back after being denied treatment for her rash.

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Elaine, difficult? Get out!

51. When the full body dry heave set to music happened.

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The little kicks. The thumbs. Sweet fancy Moses.

52. When the little kicks happened again.

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53. And way too many “Get out!” instances to count.

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Seinfeld ended 16 years ago today.

Seinfeld Graffiti / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: essl

But thanks to syndication, Elaine Benes can rule the sitcom world forever.

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And why shouldn’t she?

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She makes being a hot mess look pretty darn fabulous.

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