11 Things Keeping You From Getting There

When you're seeing the world from an automobile its easy to label half of the population idiots and the other half morons but in reality there are many subtle mutations of work-a-day traffic impasses. If you've ever been to Los Angeles then you've no doubt encountered every example here in a single block... but even if you haven't there is no escaping...

Slow Pedestrians

As lights turn green so doth a walk signal bloom.

Slow pedestrians often keep cars from making right turns which in turn can back up a lane beyond the length possible for all vehicles to proceed forward within a light cycle. This leaves you looking at a perfectly good green light only to reach it as it drops to red. Making matters worse, red lights only allow more pedestrians to accumulate on corners thus perpetuating the problem.

I suggest, not letting them feel welcome. Try yelling at pedestrians, honking your horn and waving your arms at them, albeit civilly, so they know you view pedestrian traffic seriously and understand they have to adhere to certain responsibilities in the name of progress, like getting out of the road.

Left Turns

Coupled with pedestrians these two can virtually end all forward gain across two lanes of traffic. Left turners are selfish selfish people who thoughtlessly let their own desires override those of society. They most often choose to make this dangerous "maneuver" in the middle of nowhere in order to "get to their driveway" or "turn down their road" and thus being so comfortably accustomed to the turn NEVER EVER use a signal and opt to instead jam on their brakes abruptly and wait for the same opening a Mac Truck would need.

Listen, if your street or your home was important enough you'd have a turn lane... keep driving buddy until you can find somewhere else to live.

Elderly Women

Deserve your respect and patience. They are slow and forgetful but should be held accountable for neither.

One day when you're old in 2068 you'll be driving your old rusty Hummer 2 from 2004 just to get some pancreatic medication and dinner at Mc-sizzler-taco-arby-king and you'll sure as hell wish you could concentrate and didn't have some 20 year-old a-hole honking at you because THEY left 30 minutes late for work.

Pray to them now, in person. Its like getting in good with an angel before they've been promoted.

Floaters

To themselves "floaters" are something more than "recreational drivers". They left hours earlier than they're expected to arrive and are playing tic-tac-toe with their passengers and swallowing illegally obtained Quaaludes or trading stories about pre-schoolers.

To me they resemble the annoying eye spots that drift aimlessly on my field of vision after looking at the sun (technically: tiny pieces of the eye's gel-like 'vitreous' break loose within the inner back portion of the eye).

Other possible topics of conversation for "floaters": Clouds, Disneyland, The restaurant they're passing- "Lets slow down and take a better look does it seem crowded what does the menu say do they have prawns or lobster it looks a little too expensive what were the rest of you planning on eating can you see the hours wanna come back tomorrow I don't know the staff looks nice ooh theres an open booth..."

Compulsive Breakers

It's true 60 percent of traffic jams occur for little to know actual reason other than improper reactions, lethargy and an imaginary sense of "pace" . Granted, god hasn't given us automated causeways yet so the task to gauge and process distance, rhythm, and speed still falls largely onto the human brain.

Try and resist hitting your breaks unless its absolutely necessary because the very act of tail light illumination can cascade backward until it eventually effects traffic patterns in other countries. Now I'm all in favor of setting "The Ruskies" back 200 years by systematically impacting their traffic progressions but they have the freaking AUTOBAHN over there. Its like a giant car river that has no speed limits and a death toll in the millions. They don't care because they're top priority is... getting there.

Do your part to keep America's roads moving.

Multitaskers

I realize you're helping yourself quite a bit by combining the whole of your morning chores into a 20 minute drive but all the time you've saved yourself while you weave in and out of traffic, accidentally tapping your brakes while you reach for a newspaper in the backseat... it screws the rest of us!

You are setting back society by fusing your activities into one big "routine crap salad sandwich cake" on the road.

Your car is not a little club on wheels! You're not there to listen and rock out to Metallica. (Exceptions: Slayer)

It's not your mobile vanity dresser so stop putting on your makeup!

Its not a tiny restaurant... so stop eating your double whopper!

Its not a luxury phone booth you can pilot so HANG UP and call your uncle back later. His 4th Rhinoplasty is nooot that important.

When you are in your car and driving it... YOU ARE THERE TO BE DRIVING IT!

Ragers

By needlessly over asserting themselves and subjecting the collective grouping of neighboring wayfarers to their recklessness (weaving, speeding, roaring around vehicles, through intersections, zigzagging up and down access ramps) "Ragers" actually greatly impede traffic flow while they foolishly believe that by taking "charge" they're getting there quicker. In reality their incautious conduct slows traffic as other drivers bunch up and slow down in order to anticipate their blitzing turbulent courses.

Statistics show most likely a "Rager" is passing you just to beat you to the next red light - - and so on and so on. Eventually their increased efforts might benefit a more positive rate of travel however only by a modicum of time that in no way warrants the added risk and dangers they're projecting onto our public spaces... all the while taxing their fuel economy and subjecting their automobile to harsh strains and wear that will soon amount to real costs for replacement and repair.

Mack Trucks

There's nothing more commie than "infrastructure"!!!

So your state didn't upgrade its rail systems and you don't believe your tax dollars should go to anything other than wars and wall street...?

This is what you get... swarms of behemoths that used to be pulled by Locomotives lumbering less than inches away from your Mom's mini-van.

Lets not talk about where their fuel comes from... what a mammoth waste of resources it is to have one V12 pulling just one shipping crate of all the billions that need transporting... what exhaust pollution does... and what all of this even means.

The Serial Commuter

So you live in a bedroom community and travel 2 hours to work. You put in 12 hours a day and drive 4 hours total to make it happen.

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Ahhmm... Lets put in a G.G. Allen CD and roll all the windows down...

Teenagers

Embodying nearly all contingent denominations of driving problems/annoyances/impedances "Teenagers" have work to do and two thousand million billion gushing distinct hormones coursing through every inch of their horny bodies.

Of course by work I mean ditching school to smoke cigarettes and pass around one can of beer among 5 people in the parking lot at Taco-bell.

They'll be damned if they're going to let some "school-bus making a right turn" stop them from cutting off a "delivery-van full of thousand dollar wedding cakes" while they "look at t#tties on my iPhone".

Besides... its not reaaaaally their car. Its Mom's. Their young, not stupid.

Los Angeles

It used to be that if you stayed away from rush hour you could miss the bulk of the noise on the roads. In Los Angeles, there is no escaping it. If you live in or have been to LA you know by now that LA freeways keep you from getting where you need to go in a timely fashion everyday, almost all day. It is a fact of life.

The only option you have is to leave LA, walk, fly, or never leave the place you are once you get there.