10 Things That Suck About Living In Hyrule

Look, I know the original Legend of Zelda looks like it'd be a cool place to be forced to live in, with all the magic, vast landscapes, crazy creatures, hot fairies and princesses, but it's overrated. People are always like, "Neil, you live there, that's so awesome, you are so lucky dude!" Well, trust me folks, there's plenty about this place that does not rule. Actually, it was kind of hard to narrow it down to an even 10, but I gave it my best. You are hereby officially warned -- let me know if you have other thoughts about what else would suck about living in the game by adding them in the comments below!

• 1. Dealing With Sh*t Talking Octoroks

  

  These loin cloth wearing red masked weirdos are relentless. I've probably killed 200 of these things and they keep coming back for more. Like pesky ants that call you a pussy all the time in some ridiculous Disney character sounding language.

• 2. The Hyrule Diet

  Living off of bats and snakes you kill does wonders to your digestive system. I'd love to have a salad, or a meal that I didn't kill first with my sword, and then heat over the Blue Candle. Which, if the flame runs out, I have to leave that area and then come back into. What the f*ck?

• 3. Your Only Friends are Old Man and Ooold Man

  

  He may come off as hilarious and fun. But put yourself in my shoes, or boots, when you're looking for advice or help and all you get is ridiculed, emasculated, and totally ripped on by a barefoot 1,000 year old guy that is probably nude under his red robe.

• 4. The Occasional Tease From the Princess

  

  Don't get me wrong, Princess Zelda is definitely hot, and at least a 9. But, if she can randomly appear to offer me words of encouragement, why can't she just vanish from the prison she's being held in? Or at least let me make out with her for longer than one second. Just sayin...

• 5. No Place to Get Beer

  Seriously. This sucks.

• 6. Being Hated by Everyone

  If there was a 'Hyrule's Most Wanted' I would be the only person on the show. This entire place wants me dead. Imagine waking up every morning knowing that, then looking over and seeing the crunchy burnt bat your ate from the night before. Good times.

• 7. The Outfit

  

  Call it what you want, but I'm wearing a fricking green skirt, with a silly green hat that feels like a weird long Robin Hood-ish pony tail. I have to wear this? How about some armor? Or, I don't know, what are they called, oh yeah -- PANTS!

• 8. All The Killing

  This isn't something I ever thought about before I landed here, but you've got to keep up a constant stream of murder just to get anything done as Link. It's cool that the bodies just disappear and everything, but that doesn't really make it any less heavy on the old conscience. Unless it's an Octorok, because they can go to hell.

• 9. The Ears

  

  Some people think the elf ears are cute. Adorable. Sure. Try sleeping on your side. Plus, they are borderline sharp and they make me look like a douche.

• 10. Sex With Fairies

  

  I know, it's like every guy's fantasy to have dirty sex with a perverted, horny version of Tinkerbell, but have you ever thought about the mechanics? It's a combination of magical, dirty, awkwardness, mixed with a side of pleasure and pain. And, I have to do it, or I die. Which, gives her all the power and allows her to dominate me, which she does. I feel cold and vulnerable afterward and just want a hot shower to cry in.