1. LeBron James
- The best player in the NBA.
- Can play any position extremely well.
- Super strong.
- People seem really into whether he wears a headband.
- Hasn’t done anything egomaniacal or entitled in a year or two.
- Complains. A lot.
- We’re still talking about the guy from The Decision.
2. Tim Duncan
- Makes the exact right play a freakishly high percentage of the time.
- Very good teammate.
- Got that hook shot.
- Emotionless face and aforementioned total perfection makes him hard to relate to.
3. Dwyane Wade
- Dating Gabrielle Union.
- Excellent shooter after receiving a cortisone shot.
- Can throw a full-court alley-oop.
- Spells his name wrong.
- When he’s off, he’s really off.
- Big ego.
- Constant flopper.
- Drama queen.
- We don’t like Dwyane Wade that much.
4. Tony Parker
- Great facilitator.
- Can speak French.
- Calls Tim Duncan “Timmy.”
- Has a hamstring injury.
- Is French.
- French jokes still always funny for some reason.
5. Chris Bosh
- Great inside/outside offensive game.
- Can rebound on both ends of the court.
- Possibly has a dinosaur bloodline.
- Looks like a velociraptor, probably eats children.
- Not LeBron or Wade.
6. Manu Ginobli
- Very confident.
- Hard worker.
- Immensely, almost hilariously, creative player.
- Nice floater.
- Being a flashy player on an unflashy team is a good literary-seeming contradiction.
- Confidence occasionally results in spectacular airballs.
- Invented flopping.
7. Mario Chalmers
- Rising star.
- Proud father.
- Seems to often forget that he’s just riding the bandwagon.
8. Kawhi Leonard
- Fantastic name.
- Huge potential.
- You hope he comes back from that missed free throw in Game 6.
- Can’t think of any.
9. Mike Miller
- Can get on some fun runs of 3-pointers.
- Can play with one shoe.
- Good at fouling people and acting like nothing happened.
- Questionable hair and tattoos and facial expression.
- Doesn’t know how to tie his shoes.
10. Danny Green
- Has the record for the most three pointers in an NBA Finals series.
- Hits the open shots.
- Appears to seriously not find the NBA Freaking Finals to be that big a deal.
- Level of calm is almost creepy.
11. Ray Allen
- Not sure if he can make a layup at this point in his career. Or do anything inside the 3-point arc. Might think that part of the court is hot lava.
12. Tiago Splitter
- Fun name to say.
- Seems to try hard.
- See above.
13. Chris Andersen
- Birdman, Birdman.
- Throws down dunks.
- Not afraid to do the dirty work.
- Looks ridiculous.
14. Matt Bonner
- Happy to be here.
- Sometimes makes big shots.
- “Bonner” LOL!
- “It was a good day…I dunked on a girl…I lost a shooting competition to a musician…and I complained about a call, which I didn’t ever think I would do in a charity game.”
- Probably not going to take your breath away with a dazzling display of sheer athletic magnetism.
15. Shane Battier
- Teammates seem to like him.
- HUGE flopper and whiner.
- Makes a big deal of how smart he is.
16. Gary Neal
- A poor man’s Danny Green.
- Believes “powerful thinking moves mountains.”
- Can get hot and contribute.
- That’s not how mountains move.
- Is normally not hot.
17. Udonis Haslem
- Seems like he would definitely have your back in a confrontation at a bar.
- Lost a ton of weight after going undrafted out of college. Inspiring story.
- Doesn’t play much anymore.
18. Boris Diaw
- Not concerned about playing time.
- Knows his role on the team.
- Is a preposterously, criminally lazy player when he’s not on an elite team.
19. All The Other Guys Who Don’t Play Much
Didn’t have time to get to them, but they all seem like great teammates!