Update - July 15, 11:00 a.m. EDT: This piece has been updated and re-posted to reflect Carly Rae Jepsen’s recent outstanding contribution to field of tragicomically poor ceremonial first pitches.
New Addition: Carly Rae Jepsen
Her leg kick is pretty decent. And at least she handled it well.
1. Mariah Carey
High heels. Aim is actually pretty good.
2. Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory
Mark maintains eye contact the whole time, as if to say, “Go pick this up.”
3. Shawn Johnson
Maybe you could do better, sure. But where’s YOUR gold medal?
4. John Wall
There’s a considerable amount of speed on this pitch given how dodgy Wall’s mechanics are.
5. Adam Carolla
His windup is actually pretty good. Maybe the ball just slipped. Why don’t you try that again, Adam?
6. Adam Carolla (Second Try)
7. Carl Lewis
You know it’s not a good pitch when you’re asking for the ball back before it reaches home plate.
8. Karen Peterson (a retired schoolteacher)
The reaction and the hair redeem the wildness. “AHH!” —Karen Peterson.
9. Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate
It’s a brushback pitch for a very tall invisible person.
10. Denard Robinson
Bouncing curveball for a strike? A Michigan Man always thinks outside the box.
11. Charlie Brown
One of these days, good ol’ Charlie will find his sport.
12. Joan Steinbrenner
You can practically hear her say, “Eh, whatever.”
13. Ex-Manchester United star Gary Neville
In England, they call soccer “football,” and baseball “let’s try to kill these camera guys behind the plate.”
14. The Kardashians (Kris, Khloe, Kourtney, Kim)
So many K’s, so few strikes.
15. John Bledsoe (an insurance executive)
Champion of the world. Handled the situation perfectly. Unless the fall was an accident. In which case that was not a good day for John Bledsoe.
16. Tiffany Hwang (Member of the South Korean girl group “Girls’ Generation”)
The catcher just gave up on this one. His fault.
17. Jessica Jung (also a member of “Girls’ Generation”)
The pink shoes and the faux-bashfulness combine to set women’s sports back about 40 years.