Not Surprisingly, "Cool Runnings" Is Still A Bomb-Ass Movie

Watching it again, 20 years later.

When I was a kid, Cool Runnings was the epitome of a cinematic adventure with twists and turns, both literal and metaphoric. In fact, I think I might have cried the first time I saw it. When the team is carrying their bobsled to the finish line, and the crowd starts the slow clap, my eyes just fill with tears of happiness. It’s a great movie and I’m excited to watch it again. Let’s get started.

ID: 1578311

GTFO. Hans Zimmer did the score for this movie? That surprises me and yet it doesn’t at all. Shout out to funky underlines, you guys are the best.

ID: 1587942
Walt Disney Pictures

OK, why is that little kid on the front of the pushcart? Just what exactly is his job? If it’s solely to add weight, that child should be more portly, don’t you think? Call me crazy, but I would have grabbed the fattest third grader on the island and together we would have destroyed the competition.

ID: 1578589
Walt Disney Pictures

DAMNIT, JUNIOR, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! In all seriousness though, how does Yul Brenner get tripped? Derice clearly gets taken out, but Yul Brenner doesn’t even get touched. Also, that fall probably hurt. They don’t talk about that, but those guys are tough cookies.

ID: 1578703
Walt Disney Pictures

Yeah, I totally believe John Candy looked like that 16 years ago. That’s what happens when you go from being an Olympian and training all the time to being John Candy. And I know it’s just a pattern on his shirt, but I always thought young John Candy was holding a WWE Championship belt.

ID: 1585452
Walt Disney Pictures

I don’t know who handled the wardrobe for this film, but they did a fantastic job. Just look at how these outfits display the personality of these characters. And kudos to Sanka for making horizontal stripes look slimming. Trust me, that is not an easy task.

ID: 1578846
Walt Disney Pictures

Fun Fact: Everyone in Jamaica has the same office. And I don’t know why, but that bothers me.

ID: 1587202
Walt Disney Pictures

Are those dreads real? How did they do this? Is this CGI? Did that hurt or was it fun?

ID: 1585490
Walt Disney Pictures

Bitch, don’t “shh” me. She’s ugly and you know it.

ID: 1587253
Walt Disney Pictures

This man is Mr. Josef (“you-sef”) Grool, “one of the best drivers in the world.” And he’s basically the coolest kid on the track. Check out some of these zingers he throws toward Jamaica:

• “Hey Blitzer, vhy don’t you put some tvaining vheels on zat sled?”
• “Ah, Blitzy, you going to tuck zem in too?”
• “Hey Jamaica, vatch out for numba 12 turn. Scary, yah?”

Josef Grool, you cold as ice.

ID: 1579249
Walt Disney Pictures

“Go ahead, Yul Brenner, you go get your palace.” OK, for one, I think it’s awesome that Junior calls Yul Brenner by his full name. He’s basically the Neil Patrick Harris of Jamaica. And can you guys feel the sexual tension between these two? I never caught that before, but it is SO obvious this time around. There’s something going on here, I’m telling you.

ID: 1579378
Walt Disney Pictures


ID: 1579650
Walt Disney Pictures

Is this scene an accurate depiction of Calgary? Are all Calgarians cowboys? I assume the answer to both of those questions is “yes.” And that’s awesome.

Sidenote: “Calgarians” would be a great name in Game of Thrones. You’re welcome, George R.R. Martin.

ID: 1579687
Walt Disney Pictures

Man, fuck Josef Grool and his weirdly shaped head, East German accent, and fake leather jacket. I’m glad he’s about to get whooped. “Best driver” my ass. Welcome to America, bitch. And by “America,” I mean “North America,” as in “Calgary.”

ID: 1579758
Walt Disney Pictures

“Who won’t take no crap off of nobody” Is that a triple negative? OK, that works. Let’s do this. LEEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEENNNNKIIIIIIINS!

ID: 1585551
Walt Disney Pictures

YES! Fuck you!

ID: 1588076

Walt Disney Pictures


Hey Jamaica, Rocky Balboa called, he wants his fantastic training montage back.

ID: 1587358
Walt Disney Pictures

For me, this is the most unbelievable part of the movie. Am I really supposed to believe that a couple of paint brushes can get a finish like that? Stop playing, Jon Turteltaub, director of this movie.

ID: 1579847
Walt Disney Pictures

This is a great speech, and it’s really underrated. And I know it won’t make sense, but I want someone to recite this at my funeral.

ID: 1587597
Walt Disney Pictures

OK, I take it back. THIS is the most unbelievable part of the movie. First of all, no father would ever remove his son from the Olympics. That’s nonsense. And then he’s all, “I see a lost little boy…” Are you kidding me? Your son is competing in the Olympics! It’s the single greatest honor an athlete could ever have. Show some respect, you dumb idiot. And what’s with this sudden sense of urgency? The job he got his son started TWO MONTHS AGO. I’m sure they can wait a little bit longer. I mean, competing in the Olympics is about as good of an excuse as you can get. Well, that and “my grandma died.”

ID: 1580053
Walt Disney Pictures

Y’all, I’m telling you…

ID: 1580121
Walt Disney Pictures

This woman is my spirit animal.

ID: 1580490
Walt Disney Pictures

A lot of people blame the janky bobsled on the demise of this team, but the fault clearly lies on Yul Brenner. Why would he kiss the lucky egg? You don’t mess with superstitions the day of the big race. God, you’re so stupid, Yul Brenner!

ID: 1585765
Walt Disney Pictures

Carrying the bobsled across the finish line is the most boss move I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s on par with the signing of the Declaration of Independence or Jesus carrying the cross. Like, almost the exact same thing.

ID: 1587852
Walt Disney Pictures

JOSEF! You beautiful sonofabitch! It was you the whole time!

ID: 1580443
Walt Disney Pictures

FINALLY! Not only is this the best bobsled story ever told, but it’s also the best love story.

ID: 1580390

All jokes aside, what in the hell was Junior’s dad eating? So far, 10 people have no clue what it is, and I’ve studied that scene for around, oh, two hours. I think I’m going to call the director and ask. It’s bugging me that much. Also, this movie holds up a lot more than I thought it would.

Verdict: Cool Runnings is still the shit.

ID: 1588281

Check out more articles on!

  Your Reaction?


    Now Buzzing