Not Surprisingly, "Cool Runnings" Is Still A Bomb-Ass Movie

Watching it again, 20 years later.

When I was a kid, Cool Runnings was the epitome of a cinematic adventure with twists and turns, both literal and metaphoric. In fact, I think I might have cried the first time I saw it. When the team is carrying their bobsled to the finish line, and the crowd starts the slow clap, my eyes just fill with tears of happiness. It’s a great movie and I’m excited to watch it again. Let’s get started.

 

GTFO. Hans Zimmer did the score for this movie? That surprises me and yet it doesn’t at all. Shout out to funky underlines, you guys are the best.

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OK, why is that little kid on the front of the pushcart? Just what exactly is his job? If it’s solely to add weight, that child should be more portly, don’t you think? Call me crazy, but I would have grabbed the fattest third grader on the island and together we would have destroyed the competition.

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DAMNIT, JUNIOR, YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! In all seriousness though, how does Yul Brenner get tripped? Derice clearly gets taken out, but Yul Brenner doesn’t even get touched. Also, that fall probably hurt. They don’t talk about that, but those guys are tough cookies.

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Yeah, I totally believe John Candy looked like that 16 years ago. That’s what happens when you go from being an Olympian and training all the time to being John Candy. And I know it’s just a pattern on his shirt, but I always thought young John Candy was holding a WWE Championship belt.

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I don’t know who handled the wardrobe for this film, but they did a fantastic job. Just look at how these outfits display the personality of these characters. And kudos to Sanka for making horizontal stripes look slimming. Trust me, that is not an easy task.

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Fun Fact: Everyone in Jamaica has the same office. And I don’t know why, but that bothers me.

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Are those dreads real? How did they do this? Is this CGI? Did that hurt or was it fun?

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Bitch, don’t “shh” me. She’s ugly and you know it.

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This man is Mr. Josef (“you-sef”) Grool, “one of the best drivers in the world.” And he’s basically the coolest kid on the track. Check out some of these zingers he throws toward Jamaica:

• “Hey Blitzer, vhy don’t you put some tvaining vheels on zat sled?”
• “Ah, Blitzy, you going to tuck zem in too?”
• “Hey Jamaica, vatch out for numba 12 turn. Scary, yah?”

Josef Grool, you cold as ice.

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“Go ahead, Yul Brenner, you go get your palace.” OK, for one, I think it’s awesome that Junior calls Yul Brenner by his full name. He’s basically the Neil Patrick Harris of Jamaica. And can you guys feel the sexual tension between these two? I never caught that before, but it is SO obvious this time around. There’s something going on here, I’m telling you.

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WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT WAS HE ABOUT TO EAT?!

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Is this scene an accurate depiction of Calgary? Are all Calgarians cowboys? I assume the answer to both of those questions is “yes.” And that’s awesome.

Sidenote: “Calgarians” would be a great name in Game of Thrones. You’re welcome, George R.R. Martin.

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Man, fuck Josef Grool and his weirdly shaped head, East German accent, and fake leather jacket. I’m glad he’s about to get whooped. “Best driver” my ass. Welcome to America, bitch. And by “America,” I mean “North America,” as in “Calgary.”

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“Who won’t take no crap off of nobody” Is that a triple negative? OK, that works. Let’s do this. LEEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEENNNNKIIIIIIINS!

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YES! Fuck you!

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Hey Jamaica, Rocky Balboa called, he wants his fantastic training montage back.

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For me, this is the most unbelievable part of the movie. Am I really supposed to believe that a couple of paint brushes can get a finish like that? Stop playing, Jon Turteltaub, director of this movie.

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This is a great speech, and it’s really underrated. And I know it won’t make sense, but I want someone to recite this at my funeral.

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OK, I take it back. THIS is the most unbelievable part of the movie. First of all, no father would ever remove his son from the Olympics. That’s nonsense. And then he’s all, “I see a lost little boy…” Are you kidding me? Your son is competing in the Olympics! It’s the single greatest honor an athlete could ever have. Show some respect, you dumb idiot. And what’s with this sudden sense of urgency? The job he got his son started TWO MONTHS AGO. I’m sure they can wait a little bit longer. I mean, competing in the Olympics is about as good of an excuse as you can get. Well, that and “my grandma died.”

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Y’all, I’m telling you…

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This woman is my spirit animal.

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A lot of people blame the janky bobsled on the demise of this team, but the fault clearly lies on Yul Brenner. Why would he kiss the lucky egg? You don’t mess with superstitions the day of the big race. God, you’re so stupid, Yul Brenner!

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Carrying the bobsled across the finish line is the most boss move I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s on par with the signing of the Declaration of Independence or Jesus carrying the cross. Like, almost the exact same thing.

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JOSEF! You beautiful sonofabitch! It was you the whole time!

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FINALLY! Not only is this the best bobsled story ever told, but it’s also the best love story.

All jokes aside, what in the hell was Junior’s dad eating? So far, 10 people have no clue what it is, and I’ve studied that scene for around, oh, two hours. I think I’m going to call the director and ask. It’s bugging me that much. Also, this movie holds up a lot more than I thought it would.

Verdict: Cool Runnings is still the shit.

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