ICYMI: The MTA, which manages New York City’s subways, will soon launch an awareness campaign to stop passengers from ruining the ride for everyone else, specifically targeting leg spreaders and backpack wearers.
So here are 16 other types of passengers the campaign should target....
1. People who hug/hog the pole.
2. People who sit across multiple spots.
Excuse me, but do you know how seats work? Because you are not using them correctly. We are not in your home and this is not your couch, so, please, STOP TAKING UP SO MUCH DAMN ROOM.
3. People who nap across multiple seats.
Again, this is not your home and this is not your couch. Or your bed. Or any bed, for that matter. This is a train. For people. Lots of people. People with tired legs who just want to sit down, but can't because you have chosen to stretch out across the entire row of seats. I hope you have a nightmare. A very real nightmare that haunts you the next day.
4. The person who squeezes in as the doors are closing, packing the train way too tightly.
Before you came, we had the perfect Tetris situation going on and you just RUINED it. We were all fine, despite being way too close to one another, but we were making it work. But then you came along with your body and its mass and now every single one of us is uncomfortable. Thanks for that.
5. People who stop right in front of the turnstile.
You swipe and you go. You swipe and you go. WHY ARE YOU NOT GOING?! MOVE!! But seriously, y'all, if you don't know where you're going, that's perfectly acceptable, but don't just stand right in front of the turnstile after you pass through it and throw off my momentum and that of the crowd behind me. Step to the side and let us quickly walk through life.
6. People who refuse to move toward the middle of the subway train.
I know you want to be close to the door, but that option is now gone, my friend. People are coming in and you need to shuffle toward the middle of the train car, so we can fill this baby up without being all up on each other. Just do it.
7. People who chill in front of the doorway when it's open.
8. The person who keeps touching your hand when you're both holding the poll.
I'm sorry, but are you not feeling this? Are you not aware that your hand keeps sliding down and touching my hand? Because I feel it and I do not like it. It's bad enough that I have to hold this dirty pole, which has been held by some of the nastiest people in the world, but now I have to deal with your wandering hand. Nuh uh. Not today. Get your act together and keep your hands to yourself.
9. People who get up and start moving to the doors before the train stops.
No, excuse YOU! The train hasn't stopped yet, so I don't know what you're doing. There is no fire in this car. A million dollars is not awarded to the first person to exit this train. So why are you pushing everyone before we get to the station? Calm down. We all want you off this train as much as you want to get off.
10. Whoever blasts music that is audible to the entire train car.
OMG! YOU LIKE THIS SONG?! THAT'S CRAZY! I LOVE THIS SONG TOO! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING IT FOR ME AND EVERYONE ON THIS TRAIN. YOU ARE A HERO! Said nobody ever.
11. Anyone bringing a bike on the train.
I don't have anything against people who ride bikes, and I get that certain situations lead to bringing a bicycle on the train, but damn do I hate when that happens. Your bike is big and awkward and it's just too much. I'm sorry, but it's true. Everyone hates you.
12. Parents with big 'ol strollers.
13. People who enter the train before the people onboard get off.
14. People on the platform who quickly rush to the opening doors, even though there was clearly a line of order.
15. People who stand in the doorway and keep it from closing.
You know what I love? Delays. And waiting. It's why my ninth birthday party was at the local DMV. So thank you for throwing off the timing of everything and making us wait for your friend. I'm glad we can all board together and laugh about how it took five announcements before we were able to close the doors. That sure was fun.
16. And anyone who uses the subway as a stage or soapbox.
Look, I'm glad you have the confidence to perform in front of strangers, but this train car is not your playground or theater. All I want is for nothing to happen and now I have to act like I don't see or hear you, which is awkward considering you're shouting and breakdancing right in front of my face. Just stop it. This isn't fun for anyone.