It’s Thanksgiving. The house smells like turkey, your family is together, and just as everyone gathers around the TV to watch the parade…
Your uncle asks if you’ve gotten a real job yet.
Your grandma wants to know if you’ve found Jesus.
And your great-aunt wonders if you’ve heard that President Obama (if that’s his real name) is either an illegal immigrant or a hologram.
You know if you try to have a real discussion, you’ll never make it to dessert. So you need another route.
1. Avoid them.
Otherwise known as hiding.
If they can’t find you, they can’t ask you your position on abortion.
2. Shock them.
As a matter of fact, you have gotten more religious. And it was so easy letting Satan into your heart.
If everyone’s talking behind your back about how they saw it coming, they’re not talking to you.
3. Confuse them.
Just agree with whatever they say. They won’t know how to handle it.
Why, yes, Cousin Amy, I do believe anyone who eats a burger should be tried for murder, but let’s not talk about it here, they wouldn’t understand.
4. Sit at the kids table.
Their hot-button question will be “Do I look cute in this turkey hat?”
5. Make sure they’re eating all the food, all the time.
Because if their mouths are full of food, there’s less room for racist jokes.
6. Bring up puppies.
Because everyone, even your grumpiest great-uncle, loves puppies (or knows enough not to be anti-puppy in public.)
And the national dog show is on after the parade, so it’s even topical.
7. Fake a minor injury.
You burnt the roof of your mouth on the gravy, pricked your finger with a turkey bone; Thanksgiving can be dangerous.
There’s just no way you can discuss the crisis in the Middle East while you’re in pain.
8. Break into song.
It might cure everyone’s prejudices and bring harmony to the entire room.
9. Put on “Miracle on 34th Street.”
The original to avoid the “messing with a classic” speech.