38 Things I Learned At Sundance

All of the stuff that happened to me. Paris Hilton & Lil Jon included, obv.

1. If you want a lot of attention at Sundance, you should wear shorts and carry around a Frappuccino.

The temperature doesn't get out of the mid-20s all day.

2. Former President Lincoln is apparently a big Chris Brown fan.

For who knows what reason, Chris Brown was at Sundance. Some dude dressed as Abe Lincoln followed his car up Main Street for also who knows what reason.

3. The buses take you everywhere, but they are confusing and a nightmare.

4. There are Jewish people in Utah.

The theaters you watch movies at during Sundance are around town in various buildings.

One is in the high school.

One is in a crappy hotel.

One is in the Marriott.

One is a real theater on Main Street.

And one is in a Jewish temple.

5. The older brother from "Malcolm in the Middle" is a DJ now.

6. At night, it is hell.

So crowded and so many covers charges. Also it's fucking freezing.

7. You probably shouldn't take a casting class from someone who has "Problem Child" first on their résumé.

No offense.

8. The first documentary completely dedicated to salvia finally exists.

9. The best accessory a person could have is a slice of bacon.

10. Sundance is D-list celebrity central. Phoebe Price's dog hates his life.

Phoebe Price is a D/F-list "celebrity" who goes to Sundance every year. Michael K from D Listed hilariously writes about her antics all the time. She is incredible and shameless. Her poor dog can't stand it, though.

11. Jane Lynch carries around a little leather backpack.

She also is one of the only celebrities I consistently saw who wasn't constantly mobbed.

12. She also changes disguises.

This picture was taken later in the day after the previous picture was taken. She is wearing totally different clothing besides her little leather backpack.

13. The movies are the best part, duh.

So much walking, standing, and cold. The movies are chill because sometimes the cast comes out at the end and there's a Q&A.

14. Hand'equins are terrifying.

15. Dress shirts made out of leather are a piece of clothing that people apparently wear.

16. Fur jockstraps are a piece of clothing that people also apparently wear.

Gives a whole new meaning to having a hairy ass.

17. At Sundance, lines are called "queues."

So European.

18. At around 1 p.m., all the celebrities are out.

It becomes so sceney. You lit'rally are like, "There that person and that person and that person." It's kind of crazy. Like nothing I've ever seen before.

19. Guns are banned.

20. Babies are also banned.

Thank god.

21. And also alcohol because of Utah.

22. But movie candy isn't banned, and it's cheap!

Not all theaters had refreshments, but the Temple theater did. Pretty good deals too.

23. This is what a movie poster with a woman puking green slime looks like.

24. People at Sundance have the tendency to leave full beers on the street.

For some reason, every morning there were full beers on the street. Also condoms.

25. These are all of the most popular beverages at Sundance, and this is what they all look like frozen.

Water, diet soda, energy drinks, booze, and coffee. All frozen because it's really cold there.

26. This is what a guy playing a flute to a giant bear statue looks like.

27. Basically, the giant bear statue is one of the best parts of Park City.

Anything next to this bear looked funny.

28. Celebrities are "gifted." Which sounds ridiculous.

The "gifting suites" are scattered on Main Street and can be easily spotted because they are blacked-out storefronts with a big security guard in front. The funniest part of the whole thing is that the celebrities are "gifted." It's basically a nicer way of saying they are "given free shit."

29. This is what another band member from Maroon 5 who is not Adam Levine looks like.

Someone told me that this guy is the bassist for Maroon 5, so I got picture with him. I still am not really sure if that's true.

30. Dogs are just as popular as celebrities at Sundance.

There are A LOT of dogs in Park City, and most of them are abnormally cute. The dogs get the same amount of attention as the celebrities. Everyone stops for them.

31. This is what the movie "Clueless" would look like if it were made by cats.

32. Alison Brie is (of course) the nicest.

The nicest celebrity I "met," aka got my picture with, was Alison Brie. She kindly took pictures with everyone who asked.

33. Lil Jon is really cool too. He's basically the King of Sundance, and if you hang out in town, you will probably see him and be able to get a picture with him.

34. Heated benches are the most amazing invention ever.

Park City has a bunch of these heated benches around town and they are amazing.

35. Vintage Playboys are the go-to props at Sundance parties.

Cool?

36. Of course Oprah and OWN gave away a yoga mat at their swag suite.

37. People will do stupid/pointless stunts to get you to see their movies. The stunts don't work.

No idea what movie this dude was "advertising" for, but I did take this picture. Effective marketing? Not really, but I'm slightly intrigued. I guess.

38. And last but most importantly, no trip to Sundance is complete without getting a really bad selfie with Paris Hilton.

Paris hated me and did not want to take this picture at all. That is why selfies are the best.

THE END.