Dear Ariana Grande,
We meet again, my friend. You know I love you. I really do. You are mini-Mariah! "Break Free" is legit so good. My gay anthem!! That said, we need to have a chat about your latest music video...
This one:
View this video on YouTube
Let's talk history.
Fourteen years ago, the most iconic Mars-themed music video ever created in the history of music videos was released by the legendary Britney Spears.
This music video would change the way we think of interplanetary music videos forever.
It raised the bar and set the standards. We wouldn't be where we are today without it.
There's lots to be learned from this video, so take a seat, Ariana. Simmer down. Read the Bible.
Everyone knows that when you're going to make an iconic Mars-themed music video you have to include each of the following...
First off, what made "Oops" so iconic was, of course, the red cat suit. You need a costume that says "I'm from outer space."
There was also the equally important white eyeshadow. It was quite alien-ic.
Britney knew that in order to make a Mars-themed music video work, she would need to have shirtless male slaves wearing goggles.
The chains were a nice touch. She was the queen of Mars. Men were her slaves. What a great scenario!
Britney had fire blowers because, duh, Mars is hot. There are mad flames there.
And Ari girl, WHAT KIND OF MARS-THEMED MUSIC VIDEO DOES NOT HAVE A TITANIC INTERLUDE?
The inclusion of a cute astronaut with dimples added a complex equation of emotions to the video.
I mean, she enslaved astro-man like her other man slaves, but you still felt an emotional connection between the two of them.
She probably did some extreme nerve damage when she took his helmet off. That shit can't be healthy.
Another extremely crucial part of this music video was the extraordinary dance moves.
"Got lost in the game."
And come on, you're lying to yourself if you don't know what this one is.
But not only were there iconic dance moves, there were also iconic hand moves.
So good.
So crucial. So Mars. So important to the whole vibe.
Another thing missing from Ariana's music video was a "spinning white thing." If you're going to do a music video on another planet then you definitely need one of these.
It just makes everything that much more extraterrestrial.
You also need mid-air wardrobe changes...
...and tricks with mirrors because again, duh. It's Mars.
Basically, my dear Ariana, you should have consulted with the literal queen and rumored inventor of Mars, Britney Spears.
*moonwalks away*
*still tries to look for Britney's underwear even though I'm gay AF*
I'm not that innocent. Bye.
