1.
Because children happen...
2.
...and they'll crush your will to live...
3.
...and then they'll crush you physically...
4.
...and then they'll crush other kids at birthday parties and their parents will sue you...
5.
...and then you'll start thinking of all the burritos you could've had...
6.
...and they'll transform your pristine house into a war zone...
7.
...and turn your poor dog into a 3D coloring book...
8.
...they'll steal your computer...
9.
...and disable your iPod for 47 years...
10.
...and you'll never be able to go on a plane and escape...
11.
...because they'll latch on and never let you find happiness again...
12.
...and then they'll make friends and they'll team up against you...
13.
...and they'll develop a taste for human flesh...
14.
...and they'll fall into the wrong crowd...
15.
...and you'll spend all your free time at hospital because they're always making bad decisions...
16.
...that is when you're not in parent-teacher conferences...
17.
...and they'll steal your fucking car...
18.
...and after you've dedicated your ENTIRE LIFE to them they won't give a shit...
19.
...in fact they'll even bitch about the color of their pocket computer...
20.
...because they'll be assholes...
21.
...and one day you'll have to give them the sex talk...
...and you'll remember this moment and you'll say...
