1. First off, let me start by saying fuck this guy.
2. Let me finish…
3. This handsome son of a bitch has been a indirect thorn in my side for 19 years.
4. My whole life I’ve had to watch him casually win World Series after World Series.
8. This is who he currently dates. She’s a holding up a picture of herself.
9. I’ve called him overrated since he was 22 years old.
10. I’ve said he’s simply a product of being in the right place…
11. At the right time.
12. This is why I don’t drink G2 Gatorade.
13. I hated him on Seinfeld.
14. I hated him on SNL.
15. I don’t give a shit that he was funny.
16. And I hated myself for laughing at this ESPN commercial.
17. I loved when he got fat for roughly 35 seconds.
18. I don’t even think he’s that good looking.
19. His patented jump-throw makes me projectile vomit.
20. I’m exhausted by his insatiable need to come up big in a big moment.
21. I’m tired of him always saying the right thing.
22. I hate the pinstripes, the Air Jordans, his calm demeanor and the fact that he’ll forever be the captain. I hate it all.
23. But I respect him more than any other player I’ve even seen play this game.
24. But seriously, fuck that guy.
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