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A Begrudging Ode To Derek Jeter By A Mets Fan

OK, he’s good.

1. First off, let me start by saying fuck this guy.

Al Bello / Getty

2. Let me finish…

3. This handsome son of a bitch has been a indirect thorn in my side for 19 years.

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4. My whole life I’ve had to watch him casually win World Series after World Series.

Ezra Shaw / Getty

5. And selfishly date every attractive woman alive…

 

6. Like it ain’t no thang…

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Steve Klein / GQ

Jason Kempin / Getty

 

7. What an asshole right?

Stephen Shugerman / Getty

 

8. This is who he currently dates. She’s a holding up a picture of herself.

Bryan Steffy / Getty

9. I’ve called him overrated since he was 22 years old.

Al Bello / Getty

10. I’ve said he’s simply a product of being in the right place…

11. At the right time.

12. This is why I don’t drink G2 Gatorade.

13. I hated him on Seinfeld.

NBC

14. I hated him on SNL.

NBC

15. I don’t give a shit that he was funny.

NBC

16. And I hated myself for laughing at this ESPN commercial.

17. I loved when he got fat for roughly 35 seconds.

18. I don’t even think he’s that good looking.

Nick Laham / Getty

19. His patented jump-throw makes me projectile vomit.

20. I’m exhausted by his insatiable need to come up big in a big moment.

Jim McIssac / Getty

21. I’m tired of him always saying the right thing.

Jared Wickerham / Getty

22. I hate the pinstripes, the Air Jordans, his calm demeanor and the fact that he’ll forever be the captain. I hate it all.

Al Bello / Getty

23. But I respect him more than any other player I’ve even seen play this game.

Nick Laham / Getty

24. But seriously, fuck that guy.

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