1. At some point you will accidentally hurt your kid and you’ll feel like the worst parent ever.
Try not to take it so hard. It happens to the best whether they admit it or not.
2. You will know a lot less about this:
“Wait. What happened?”
3. And a whole lot more about this:
4. Your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.
“I am a grown-ass person, Netflix! I don’t want to watch Bubble Guppies!”
5. Your pet will no longer be your top priority.
You: “When did we last feed the dog?” Spouse: “Dog?”
6. You will gain 15 pounds.
Kids love to eat ice cream, and what are you gonna do? Let them eat that tiny, 4-ounce kid’s cup without getting a jumbo for yourself? That would just be rude.
7. The backseat of your car will be nasty.
I don’t care how often you wash your car now. Crushed Cheerios, spilled juice, and a whole lot of other crap are in your car’s future.
8. You will eat 95% of your meals either incredibly fast or with one hand. Or both.
9. You’ll basically become a ninja.
When you need something from the baby’s room late at night you’ll be able to slip in and out without upending a feather.
10. Despite your best efforts, your kids will get their hands on your iPhone.
And this is what your photos will look like afterward.
11. Parenting is harder than you think it’ll be, but you won’t really notice.
Kind of like how lobsters don’t notice the water getting hotter, parents don’t notice how increasingly difficult parenting becomes.
12. You will have to sneak candy like it’s a contraband substance.
If your kid so much as smells chocolate on your breath, you’re screwed.
13. You will laugh more than at any other time in your life.
Kids do and say the funniest stuff ever. It’s pretty awesome.
14. You’ll be awakened at 2 a.m. to fetch a glass of water only to find your kid passed out when you deliver it.
The good news, though, is that the water is now totally yours!
15. You will see your own faults reflected back at you.
It’s sobering when you see your kid imitate your own bad behavior, and it will make you want to be a better person.
16. Folding kid and baby clothes is torture.
A normal-sized pile of laundry will take you three times as long to fold if it’s full of baby stuff.
17. It’s impossible to feel manly when folding said baby clothes.
Aww, look at the big man folding the tiny, widdle clothes.
18. The power of cute is more formidable than you realize.
Right now you’re like, “I’ll never give in to my kid’s whims and desires.” But you have never had a 3-year-old peer up at you and say, “Pwease? PWEASE?”
19. You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.
Friend: “I met this gorgeous girl at the club last night and we’ve been texting all day.” You: “I changed a poopy diaper.” Awkward silence.
20. Kids become actual people and not baby blobs way sooner than you think.
By the time your kid is 2, you’ll be having conversations more rewarding than many you have with adults.
21. Something you love will get ruined.
Kids have a knack for breaking, dirtying, or losing your favorite possessions. Don’t get too attached to that deer head, pal.
22. You will turn into your parents.
At some point you will actually find yourself saying, “That’s it! I will turn this car around!” and “Your face is gonna freeze like that!”
23. Very little will embarrass you.
Singing to your crying baby in public? Dropping your kid off at school in a robe? Nope. It’ll take more than that.
24. You won’t be able to watch movies where kids are killed or kidnapped.
When you have a little person in your house who you love more than anything, those movies hit a little too close to home.
25. You won’t want to spend money on yourself because you’ll know every dollar spent on yourself is a dollar you could’ve spent on your family.
This is why parents are famous for wearing outdated jeans.
26. Buying your kid something will make you way more happy than buying yourself something.
27. When your kid is little, every trip out of the house will feel like getting ready to go to the airport.
“Got the wipes?” “Check.” “The diapers, change of clothes, blanket, baby bottle, pacifier?” “Uh, check.”
28. You will love to watch kids’ movies.
This isn’t because the movies are so great (though most are tolerable these days), but because they’re an amazing bonding experience with your kid.
29. You will cram your entire adult life between the time your kid goes down and you go to sleep.
“Quick! Turn on The Walking Dead! Pour the wine! Tell me what you think about Obamacare! Ah, crap. It’s time for bed.”
30. For a while, only you will be able to understand them, so you’ll basically become their interpreter.
Grandma: “What did she say? Moogle woogle boo?” You: “No, she wants me to take her and her cousin to the park over on Smith Street next Tuesday.”
31. And lastly, it’s all worth it.
OK, so this is something people will tell you, but it’s true. Even with all of the maddening things that come along with being a parent, being someone’s mommy or daddy is one of life’s most rewarding experiences.