1. Get totally freaked out by the thought of giving birth.
“Is it true you might poop on the table? IT IS?! ARGHHHHH!”
2. Look like they might get sick when a baby spits up.
“OMG! It’s like a tiny version of The Exorcist!”
3. Act like having to change a diaper is the end of the world.
“IT POOPED! I CAN SMELL IT! WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!”
4. Ask parents if their newborn needs a children’s menu.
We won’t be needing any crayons either.
5. Feel really bad when they swear in front of your kid.
“I’m so sorry! Shit!” (gasps, covers mouth) “I did it again!”
6. Invite you to go out at 11 p.m.
“What’s the problem? Won’t the kids be asleep by then?”
7. Say that spending time around kids is “good birth control,” then catch themselves and say, “Oh, but not your kids!”
“No, your kids are, uh, your kids are… great.”
8. Say they know what it’s like to be a parent because they have a dog.
“He’s my furbaby!”
9. Worry that they’ll never be able to love a baby as much as their dog.
“I just don’t see how it’s possible. I mean look at this doggy’s face. LOOK AT IT!”
10. Get really mad when you say how busy you are.
“Hey! I’m really busy too you know!” Then, two minutes later: “I’m getting a pedicure tomorrow if you want to join me!”
11. Complain about all the baby photos on Facebook, then post selfie after selfie.
“Whoooo! New profile photo!”
12. Ask you if you’ve ever wished you didn’t have kids.
“Like, have you ever though that you might’ve made a terrible mistake?”
13. Call your kid “it.”
“I think it wants you.”
14. Act over the top amazed when your kid starts to talk.
“I can’t believe it’s actually, like, conversing with you.”
15. Not understand what is and isn’t appropriate for a kid.
Them: “Does she like Iggy Azalea?”
You: “She’s four, so ‘no.’”
16. Complain about being invited to your kid’s parties.
“Please tell me there will at least be booze there. There’s no booze?! Kill me now!”
17. Complain about NOT being invited to your kid’s parties.
“So what? I don’t count anymore because I don’t have kids?”
18. Make bold proclamations about what their future kids will be like.
“My kid is going to be the coolest kid ever! He’s gonna know all the dance moves and have a little pompadour!”