Chicagoans don’t mess around, so let’s get right down to business… NO CITY MATCHES CHICAGO.
1. We are number one in billionaires that started out as big-haired TV hosts.
Only Chicago could contain that hair.
2. Number one in making the most out of our girth to cheer on our team.
3. And in putting up with some real shit to see these guys play.
IN THE MIDDLE OF A FREAKIN’ BLIZZARD.
4. We are number one in making giant, shiny homages to food.
6. …ESPECIALLY in Winter.
Like that time everybody got STUCK ON LAKE SHORE DRIVE because the snow was literally falling too fast.
7. We’re number one in having a mayor with only 9 1/2 fingers.
That’s right, Bloomberg. Try counting to 9 1/2 on your hands. No? That’s what I thought.
8. We’re also number one in having a mayor who will take your cell phone on the subway.
10. We’re number one in knowing how to make a delicious-looking but also disgusting-looking sloppy Italian sandwich.
12. And pairing it with a delicious chocolate cake shake.
Filled with an ENTIRE piece of chocolate cake.
13. We’re number one in covering popcorn with delicious cheese and caramel.
From the one and only Garrett Popcorn Shops.
14. OH, YEAH… and number one in having the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES hail from our city.
15. We’re number one in dealing with some real shit on the CTA.
17. …and the craziest passengers you will ever meet in ANY city.
18. OF COURSE… we’re number one in not messing around with our pizza.
19. We’re number one in being the place where Tina became a master…
20. …and also pretty much every other hilarious person in America.
21. We’re number one in Michael Jordans.
22. And Kanye Wests.
23. And Bill Murrays.
24. And Roger Eberts.
25. We’re number one in waiting til next year…
26. And praying the curse will break…
27. …unless you’re from the South Side.
28. We’re number one in dealing with the harshest winters…
29. …and in being beautiful even when everybody is freezing and miserable.
30. We’re number one in dyeing our rivers a disgusting color because we feel that strongly about being Irish.
31. We’re number one in weird art…
32. …and in fully appreciating that art.
33. We lead the pack in getting obnoxiously drunk and proud at baseball games.
34. We’re number one in refusing to call this building anything but the Sears Tower.
You can take your Willis and shove it.
39. We’re number one in having a hockey team people actually care about.
41. And number one in paloozas with the greatest view of any paloozas anywhere in the universe.
43. And streets that you can walk on without tripping over giant piles of garbage.
44. And water that doesn’t smell like poop.
45. We’re number one in having BEACHES RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY.
46. And number one in dealing with the laziest tourists on the planet.
47. We’re leaders in having our transport ABOVE GROUND so you dont have to stand in a sweltering cesspool of human sweat and body odor.
…until you get on the Red Line.