1. Because delicious Chicago-style deep dish pizza is crusty and cheesy and saucy and without flaws.
2. Because it’s the perfect combination of thick, crispy crust and three to ten inches of cheese and toppings and then just a mess of delicious sauce.
4. Because other pizzas are WEAK and they should tremble before the thick-muscled pizza of Chicago.
5. Because sometimes it looks too greasy to be real, but you put it in your mouth and all of your fears and troubles vanish as the crusty cheese warms your insides.
6. Because every time a piece of deep dish pizza is lifted from its dish, an angel is born in cheese heaven.
7. Because you can fill it with meat and vegetables and hide all of your pain and suffering between the folds of ingredients.
8. Because it is a greasy, cheesy haven where baby cheese deer go to frolic on buttery crust hills next to flowing tomato sauce rivers.
9. Because unlike other weak, pansy pizzas, deep dish pizza is BURSTING with a possibly deadly amount of cheese and buttery dough, and baked beneath a burning flame to be made strong.
10. Because you have to eat this bad motherfucker with a FORK and KNIFE because your weak hands aren’t strong enough to wrangle the cheesy chains.
12. Because the cheese is INSIDE the pizza so it survives the harsh, burning fire of the oven required to bake that buttery crust to perfection.
13. Because there is more sauce in this extra large monstrosity than there is in the weekly diet of most full-sized Italian families.
14. Because if you concentrate on the fullness and robustness of a deep dish pizza, if you really contemplate its complexities, it’s the closest you will ever get to experiencing nirvana.
15. Because deep dish brings more to the table than any of your limp, emaciated regular pizzas.
17. Because the sauce is thicker and chunkier and believes more strongly in you and your dreams than regular pizza.
18. Because each string of this delectable melted cheese is more heavenly and precious than perhaps anything else on earth.
19. Because it’s baked in a badass pan and not on a piece of wood or a flimsy regular pizza pan, but a STRONG pan made for sturdy, deep, thick pizzas.
20. Because a full-sized deep dish pizza weighs more than an obese human baby.
21. Because there’s room enough in the cozy, crusty, buttery walls of a deep dish pizza to hold all of your passions and love and memories.
22. Because other pizzas are basically just flimsy, cheesy cardboard and therefore not real because cardboard is not pizza, it is cardboard.
23. Because no amount of sauce is too much unless you’re weak.
25. Because cheese is the most important ingredient in anything, and deep dish pizza says, “No, regular pizza, I will not settle for less.”
26. Because cheese is food group number one and it solves all problems and will probably help achieve world peace at some point.
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