50 Reasons Chicago Is Second To NO City

New York? Psh. It’s all about Chi-Town.

Chicagoans don’t mess around, so let’s get right down to business… NO CITY MATCHES CHICAGO.

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1. We are number one in billionaires that started out as big-haired TV hosts.

Only Chicago could contain that hair.

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2. Number one in making the most out of our girth to cheer on our team.

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3. And in putting up with some real shit to see these guys play.


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4. We are number one in making giant, shiny homages to food.

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5. We’re number one in handling LSD…

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6. …ESPECIALLY in Winter.

Like that time everybody got STUCK ON LAKE SHORE DRIVE because the snow was literally falling too fast.

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7. We’re number one in having a mayor with only 9 1/2 fingers.

That’s right, Bloomberg. Try counting to 9 1/2 on your hands. No? That’s what I thought.

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8. We’re also number one in having a mayor who will take your cell phone on the subway.

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9. And number one in protesting him with the cleverest of signage.

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10. We’re number one in knowing how to make a delicious-looking but also disgusting-looking sloppy Italian sandwich.

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11. And creating the juiciest bread to surround it.

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12. And pairing it with a delicious chocolate cake shake.

Filled with an ENTIRE piece of chocolate cake.

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13. We’re number one in covering popcorn with delicious cheese and caramel.

From the one and only Garrett Popcorn Shops.

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14. OH, YEAH… and number one in having the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES hail from our city.

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15. We’re number one in dealing with some real shit on the CTA.

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16. …and dealing with some really shitty puns.

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17. …and the craziest passengers you will ever meet in ANY city.

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Sorry, New York, but we’re the craziest.

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18. OF COURSE… we’re number one in not messing around with our pizza.

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19. We’re number one in being the place where Tina became a master…

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20. …and also pretty much every other hilarious person in America.

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21. We’re number one in Michael Jordans.

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22. And Kanye Wests.

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23. And Bill Murrays.

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24. And Roger Eberts.

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25. We’re number one in waiting til next year…

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26. And praying the curse will break…

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27. …unless you’re from the South Side.

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28. We’re number one in dealing with the harshest winters…

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29. …and in being beautiful even when everybody is freezing and miserable.

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30. We’re number one in dyeing our rivers a disgusting color because we feel that strongly about being Irish.

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31. We’re number one in weird art…

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32. …and in fully appreciating that art.

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33. We lead the pack in getting obnoxiously drunk and proud at baseball games.

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34. We’re number one in refusing to call this building anything but the Sears Tower.

You can take your Willis and shove it.

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35. We’re number one in telling people how to eat their hot dogs…

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36. Because THIS is what a hot dog looks like.

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37. And yes, we’re willing to wait in this line for it.

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38. We’re number one in taking two hours to drive two miles.

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39. We’re number one in having a hockey team people actually care about.

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40. And bars that people have actually heard of.

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41. And number one in paloozas with the greatest view of any paloozas anywhere in the universe.


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42. We’re number one in giant ferris wheels.

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43. And streets that you can walk on without tripping over giant piles of garbage.

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44. And water that doesn’t smell like poop.

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45. We’re number one in having BEACHES RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY.

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46. And number one in dealing with the laziest tourists on the planet.

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47. We’re leaders in having our transport ABOVE GROUND so you dont have to stand in a sweltering cesspool of human sweat and body odor.

…until you get on the Red Line.

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48. MOST OF ALL… We’re number one in places where people aspire and build and create.

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49. We’re a city of people who feel like they’ve always been — and will always be — right at home.

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