1. Start the day with a liquid breakfast. Today, champagne is your best friend and worst enemy.
2. Real talk: novelty suits are great and are only to be worn to the races.
3. Dress code: pants optional.
4. Always match your partner. You'll look dapper that way.
5. Take your selfies early. Instagram filter of choice? Valencia.
6. Although, think about where you're taking photos. Trackside? Tick. Toilets? Mmmmm not so much.
7. Every toilet is unisex on race day. There is NO TIME TO WASTE PEOPLE. WE'RE ALL JUST PEOPLE TRYING TO URINATE.
8. If the toilet lines are too long consider this approach.
9. But make sure you're wearing your nice underwear.
10. Carry the form: (a) You'll look great (b) You can figure out which horse to back (c) It makes a good umbrella.
11. Find an old man on the fence and ask him for inside tips about Race 4.
12. Get a really good "OMG MY HORSE HAS WON" face.
13. Let passing jockeys know of your displeasure like a Roman Emperor.
14. Insist on watching at least one race on the fence. Point and yell and generally have a great time. You're at the races!
15. Always keep your champagne covered from bad weather.
16. Accept that you'll spend 30% of your day trying to find your friends.
17. WARNING: The bloke with the fedora, no tie and grey suit will ALWAYS start havoc.
18. Never trust the guy in the kilt either.
19. During the "mount everyone like a horse" component of the day, please make sure women are not on the bottom of the pile.
20. Fight the urge. Or don't.
21. Have some "free drinking water" before trying to cut some shapes.
22. People will disown you but that's ok because you'll be king of your own world.
23. Your friend's lap makes an EXCELLENT pillow.
24. Help a mate. Ambulance staff will ask you how much she's consumed, be honest and helpful.
25. Matthew 7:1-3 - Judge not, lest ye be judged.
26. Gravity is your worst enemy.
27. Always say "sorry sorry sorry" when flouting the rules.
28. It's a long day, your feet are going to start hurting, when the shoes are off, they're not going back on.
29. Piggy back transport is an essential way to get home.
30. 6pm is pash o'clock.
31. Like the lights in a nightclub, the birds are a sign it's time to go home.
32. And make sure your pash partner is nearby. DAY COMPLETE!
