The Roast of Justin Bieber taped on a clear night in California about two weeks ago, and I — yes, little ol' Lauren from a small town called New York — attended the ceremony. I will now tell you what it was like.
First of all, the roast was huge. Look how blurry the stage is from my seat — that's because the place was so big and I was far back.
When I arrived at my table there were bottles of wine, apparently from a vineyard called Roast of Justin Bieber. I'm assuming it's somewhere in Napa Valley.
There were also snacks on the table including this deviled egg. (Get it? 'Cause he once egged a house and also might be related to the devil?)
Basically, the alcohol and food were flowing. It was a party and it taped for four hours, so there was a lot that wasn't aired on TV. So here are some things that maybe you didn't see:
・When Bieber "fell" from the sky during his entrance it was legitimately scary. I froze in my chair and for a moment thought I had been there to witness the death of Justin Bieber. "I WAS THERE." I'd yell to my grandkids in the future when they asked me about it. Anyway, as I mentioned I was far back. I had no idea there was a dummy Bieber in the harness and not the real thing. (See below pic).
・Justin then sat down and adjusted his pants, sipped some water, turned to Snoop Dogg next to him, and checked out his bling.
・You probably couldn't tell, but Martha Stewart's shirt sparkled when the lights in the room were off. It was beautiful. A true statement piece.
・After Chris D'Elia's time at the podium, Kevin Hart ranted for a good minute (some of which was seen on the broadcast) about how dark his set was. Whoever was running the show came over to the mic afterward and said they needed to cut and start again. Kevin said that he couldn't repeat what he said because it was "gold."
・At one point during a break it was announced that Pete Davidson needed to pee but would need to hold it a bit longer. He got up to pee during the next long break. I was happy for him and his bladder.
・Kevin Hart didn't stop the show for one second, even when the cameras weren't rolling. He kept the audience laughing and the crowd going until the very end.
・Several jokes about Paul Walker were made throughout the night; even from my blurry seat I could see Ludacris visibly upset about those. He was shaking his head in disappointment. Those were all cut from the broadcast.
・Actually, a TON of jokes were cut from the broadcast. As I mentioned, it taped for nearly four hours and there was a lot of material.
・There was a nifty split screen they used for a lot of the jokes so that we could see both the joke and the reaction at the same time.
・Justin Bieber didn't seem as giggly as they showed on the broadcast. Actually it kind of looked like he was sad and uncomfortable for much of the roast.
・Shaq, on the other hand, loved every minute of it.
・Everyone loved Natasha Leggero's set. The audience was laughing harder and louder with her than with anyone else.
・The audience also really liked Martha Stewart's bit. It was hard not to. The crowd loved her.
・Snoop Dogg really was smoking and drinking up there the whole night. Right next to Martha Stewart.
・A few times during the night the show's director would get on a loudspeaker and ask someone to do something again, mostly hosting-related. The roasters went through their sets without breaking.
・Shaq walked up to the podium and started out with a joke about Kevin Hart. (Seeing them onstage next to each other was truly astonishing. I will look back on that fondly.)
・Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian were definitely not as happy during the entire roast as they seemed on the broadcast. After about the third Bruce Jenner joke, the audience started to cringe and the camera panned to Kendall and Kourtney in the audience, both looking glum.
・Chris D'Elia scratched a joke on the spot because something similar had already been used.
・They all read their jokes from a teleprompter.
・The room was freezing and I forgot a jacket.
・Will Ferrell was a huge surprise to everyone and we were all on our feet clapping for him, both when he came to the stage and when he made his exit.
・Jeffrey Ross said that Kevin Hart was the best roastmaster he's ever seen (and Jeff's been to a lot of roasts).
・Justin Bieber's apology seemed really sincere, and the whole room got quiet when he began expressing his remorse and his vow to change. It was actually a sweet moment, and he had the entire audience on his side. Even I was on his side. I... I... I felt BAD for the guy!
・The monkey was probably more surprising than Will Ferrell. I loved the monkey.
In conclusion: The vibe in the room was great and the energy was high. It felt like everyone loved almost every minute of it, and as people were leaving, it seemed like the general opinion was, That was a dang good roast.
I take back my "in conclusion," because there was also an AFTER-PARTY. At that after-party there were tons of Justin Biebers. Including this gigantic one behind the DJ:
On the way from the roasting ceremony to the after-party I think I accidentally walked through an area for ~celebs only~ because all the trailers for the roasters were there and also...a lot of famous people. I tried to get through quickly so I wasn't outed as an intruder. But while making my way through this crowd, I walked right by Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian, who were standing mere feet away from Justin Bieber — who was getting congratulated on his roast by some other people I didn't recognize. Just a few steps past them was Jaden Smith. I pinched myself.
Inside the party near the VIP area, Pete Davidson was chatting up Justin Bieber, so apparently there were no hard feelings. There was also an airbrush tattoo area. Obviously I wanted one of these and told the tattoo artist to do whatever he wanted. He ended up working on my tattoo for about 30 minutes, and by the time it was done and I walked past the VIP area again, all the special people had left. Whatever, I got a cool tattoo that lasted for one whole day.
John Mayer was there too. I accidentally brushed against his back.
Also there were little Bieber statues wearing Calvin Klein underwear. And yes, they were anatomically correct... I checked.
In *real* conclusion, here's a picture of Martha Stewart arriving to the taping and peeking out of some curtains:
