Comedians Answer Random Questions On The American Comedy Awards Red Carpet
Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, Hannibal Buress and more answer important questions like what they would say to Oprah if they got the chance to talk to her.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
EG: Quit fucking everything up. Get your shit together!
SR: For god sakes! What the fuck are you doing over there!
What do you think is the grossest thing about middle school?
EG: We don't have middle school in Canada, you just go 8-12. So the whole premise disgusts me.
SR: The whole thing is revolting! And damn you for asking us!
Who is the last person that has wronged you?
SR: Ironically Oprah.
EG: The shit that woman has done to us.
SR: It's unspeakable. Until the lawuit is finished, I can't speak about it.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
Erections in sweatpants.
When's the last time you fell off a bike?
The last time I fell off a bike actually is when I got hit by a car. When I was in Chicago I biked everywhere, and a car hit me from behind. No one was hurt, I mean the person in the car was fine, so it would have been me.
Who is the last person that's wronged you?
You know what there's this dude in L.A., we are sort of tangentially related. I saw him pretty recently at an audition and I said, "Hey man, hows it going?" and I stuck my hand out for him to shake it or whatever, and the fucker big-timed me. He wouldn't even raise his hand! And in my head I thought, I'm going to remember this until the day I fucking die.
There's some breaking news happening at this moment actually, George Clooney is engaged, how do you feel about it?
I just heard that, that he's engaged to some very sucessful lawyer! I hope it's Alan Dershowitz. That would be fun, because there's been some rumors about George Clooney througout the years so we'll see. I don't know much about the person he's engaged too, but I wish them all the best. It's going to be a nice Christmas in Lake Como, i'm sure.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
I had a girlfriend in middle school actually, as sometimes we do in middle school, and I was really mean to her, which I'm sure comes as no surprise to anyone. I'm actually not that mean in real life, but at the time i was mean to her and I would do really bad things like give her deodorant and stuff and tell her she smells. I think this was actually after we broke up, so I was getting back at her in front of everyone. I was a nightmare.
Who is the last person you texted?
The last person I texted was probably my best friend Robin, he's in Iowa right now. And he had food poisoning so that was fun. I was like, "Oh I'm nervous, I'm presenting at the American Comedy Awards tonight," and he was like, "Oh I have food poisoning," and I was like, "Oh, OK bye!" I have my own life to deal with thanks.
You just did a segment on Billy On The Street called "It's not Amy Poehler, it's Pitbull," but what are your true feelings on Pitbull?
You know, I don't mind Pitbull at all. He doesn't seem like a bad guy. I think his feet are firmly planted on the ground. I once read that he sees himself having like a billion dollar worldwide industry, like Pitbull is this huge international brand, and I think he's like the next NASA. I think it's going to be that big.
What do you think was the grossest part about middle school?
I guess the frustrating gross part was that I never learned how to do the fart noise, with the arm. I still want to, why can't I? Boys didn't wear shirts sometimes, so it was much easier flesh on flesh, anyway. It's just a frustration.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you want to say to her?
Are you my mother? Because she is a delight, I love Ops.
Who is the last person you texted?
I just texted my friend who is watching my dogs. And they are doing great, she loves them. They are old and overweight; don't tell them I said that.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
I mean, there's so much going on with your body. You are barely learning how to not soil yourself in public. And then there's a few years in between and then all of a sudden you have pubes. For most people pubes come a little later than middle school, but I think you are right on the pube cusp. So I would say the pube cusp is the grossest part. I'm coining that term by the way, I want people that are 10 or 11 to say, "I'm on the pube cusp." I think it's going to take over like wildfire.
If you could say something to Oprah, what would you want to say?
I would say, "Oprah, what are you doing in my room? I've never sought you out, I don't know what you are doing here. Do you want to chat? Is everything OK with Stedman? I don't know why you've chosen me to come be your best buddy, But I'll talk you through this; I'll talk to you down, you can get through this. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and it's a really good life. As far as I know you are relatively rich, so just take it easy, don't be so hard on yourself."
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
JJ: I can only speak from personal experience, but I got my teeth knocked out three times, so that was pretty gross.
SB: For me, it's the tangy smell of pubescent boys. You could bottle it, and it would be a repellent.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
SB: Can I come and live with you? Pleaseee, just one of your homes. I know you have multiple homes; I just want to see. Just want to step inside.
JJ: I would say, "Why can't you do your favorite thing show, which everyone loves, every day?" Every one in the country should have a chance to be on that show. It's the No. 1 show of hers that people like. She should give awesome stuff away daily.
What are your thoughts on the legalization of marijuana?
JJ: Sam's a giant pothead so... Oh wait, this is print, THAT WAS A JOKE. She's actually a narc.
SB: I'm marijuana-neutral. I'm from Canada so I take it for granted that it's legal and available, if that makes any sense.
JJ: I've got vertigo, so I actually can't smoke it anymore. Not that I ever did. But if I had inhaled it in the past, then I certainly love those times, but I can't do it anymore, it's sad. Not that I ever did it.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
It wasn't that disgusting for me yet, because I didn't know how to masturbate effectively. So actually that's pretty gross, because if I knew how to masturbate effectively I might have been more relaxed in lots of situations that I was tense in.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you want to say to Oprah?
I'd say, "Oprah that stuff with your stepmother is CRAZY right?" She had a lot to say about Oprah and Oprah makes people sign confidentiality agreements, so I'd just be like "Oprah, that shit is crazy, huh Oprah, what do you think about that? Fuck Oprah, your stepmom, that situation, what's up with that house and all of that, what's going on?"
When's the last time you fell off a bike?
I don't really ride bikes, not since I was a kid. But I fell off a segway in 2011 in Minneapolis.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
Making out. Making out was shocking to me because everyone starts making out in seventh grade, and I was in the non make-out club. I just remember thinking people we know are connecting mouths with other people we know, that's so gross. And I just remember thinking I'm not doing that and collectively everyone in the class was like, that's fine.
Who is the last person that has wronged you?
It was Matt Walsh, who just primed me that he makes fun of me in one of his jokes tonight. He was like, "I want you to know, that you're in one of our jokes lovingly," and then he told me the joke and I was like, "Oh that's not lovingly."
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
My mom still wants me to be you.
When's the last time you fell off a bike?
Not recently. I'm thinking of getting into the bike racket this summer because I live in Brooklyn and that's what all the cool people do, they ride bikes. Solar panels and bikes. Solar panels, rain collectors, and bikes, I'm getting into it. And knitting. I took a knitting class in Brooklyn, no joke. I took one actually because I'm in this movie The Fault in Our Stars, and my character knits. So I took a knitting class in my neighborhood, and the woman got so mad at me because I'm so bad at it. And she was like, "NO, UNDER, NO UNDER." And I was like, "I don't know how to do this, I thought this was for beginners."
Have you made anything?
No, I literally created a stitch that was like 1/4 inch long, and then that was it. And she said I'll see you next week, and I walked out and was like I'm never walking in there again.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
JP: It's the middle part. It's dank in there.
KK: Well that's where bullying is at its worst, isn't it. It's this weird Lord of the Flies, people band together to bully each other, that's where like, you are given a choice: Do you laugh at the guy who is tormenting the other kid, or do you stand up for the other kid?
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
JP: Oprah, you've been giving Lindsay a lot of trust. And on some of these interviews, can't you tell Lindsay is acting to Oprah like a teenager who is trying to convince their mom that it's the last time they are going to sneak out of the house? Like, come on Oprah, you've got to see through some of this!
KK: I would love it if Oprah would look under her chair and find something there. I would like her to look under her chair and find something for herself. "Look under your chair Oprah!" " Oh, there's some emptiness."
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
It's just everyone is going through puberty, and there are weird liquids everywhere. Everyone is kind of both raging and horny at the same time. It's not a great time. I was fat, and I had fat boy nipples. So I couldn't really do a lot of things that I wanted to do, like take my shirt off or stuff like that.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
I miss you girl. Come back. Come back, do it once a week. I need you on my screen girl.
How do you feel about the legalization of marijuana?
I'm pro! You smell my jacket or something? Are you a narc?
Who is the last person that has wronged you that you'd like to address right now?
I was on Amtrak today and the chick behind me was talking on her phone the whole train ride and I was tired and I tried to sleep and she wouldn't let me. I didn't say anything but I was passive-aggressively not that nice.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
The grossest part about middle school, is that there is a middle school. I grew up in a state, Massachusetts, where there was no middle school. K-8, then high school. Simple. I have human children, one of whom just started middle school — don't ask me her name, I can never remember it. But it was a huge social hassle for her, and a huge organizational hassle for us to change schools. Now she's going to school on Coney Island, a magnet school for the side show arts of some time. I've only been to the school one time, I may as well have sent her to Hogwarts. But we still have to feed her and everything.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
If I could have communication with Oprah, I guess I would say, "What are your plans for the apocalypse?" Because I know she has some. I want to get in good with her, I'm not saying the world is going to end, or that Oprah necessarily believes the world is going to end, but if you had the means at your disposal like Oprah, wouldn't you lay some back-up plans, just in case? Wouldn't you just call up your assistant and say, "Let's get a space arc going?" To launch out of a river in Chicago, just in case.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
Fucking mean girls. I just remember crying all the time, the crank calls. Middle school to me is the most brutal time, where everyone is just growing and trying things, and just harsh and everyone is sensitive, so everyone, be nice to each other, females these days.
Who is the last person that's wronged you?
I wish I had an answer, because I keep a laminated list at home and if I'd only brought it with me, I could have given you a name.
The latest breaking news is that George Clooney just got engaged. What are your feelings on this?
I don't know why you are coming to me with these lies. I won't believe it. If he goes to an altar and gets married and is living with this wife for 40 years and then passes away, I still won't believe it. I think it's an elaborate Clooney Prank.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
I'd love to hang out on your show with you Oprah Winfrey, and I want to check out your palace in Montecito.
What's the grossest thing about middle school?
Probably young boys hygiene. Or not washing gym clothes, like wearing the same gym clothes for months.
George Clooney is reportedly engaged, how do you feel about it?
I think it's going to bring a resolution to the Crimea conflict. That's what I'm hoping.
What do you think about the legalization of marijuana?
The best. I think it provides tax revenue, I think it's less harmful than alcohol. I don't think it's a gateway drug. I don't think It's a sentence to a life of heroin and opium. And like anything, moderate use. It certainly has medical purposes. A lot of people with cancer use it and various nausea and stuff like that. I support it.
What is the grossest part about middle school?
Well, people are starting to get body odor and acne. I don't like to think about that much. I'm not a fan of the past in general, like two weeks ago, I'm like, "Ehhhhh." Like, "Remember that time you helped that nun?" and I'm like, "Ehhhhhh." It's awkward.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
Stop calling me! It's like, It's not going to happen, I'm married! I have five kids! She called me the white Stedman, whatever that means. And she's like, "Do you want to be on Oprah, and I don't mean the show?" And I'm like, "What is that Oprah? That's inappropriate."
Who is the last person that has wronged you?
Well I have five kids so I'm wronged constantly. They are just liars, they are trying to kill me. They are, they are monsters. Like, If I'm dead in the next two weeks, my kids did it.
What do you think is the grossest part about middle school?
Everything. But specifically lunch. I hate lunch. Lunch in middle school was awful, it was disgusting. Especially mine, it just smelled awful, it was like sweaty pizza.
If you could say anything to Oprah, what would you say?
Hi, I'm Bill!