Every now and then Piers Morgan asks his Twitter followers to submit questions, in the hope their responses will inspire material for his Mail on Sunday column.
Need some fun questions for my @EventMagUK column - use #AskPiers
Each time, he hopes that the #askpiers hashtag will be used for genuine feedback from fans eager to hear about his celebrity lifestyle.
Any amusing questions for my @EventMagUK column this week? Use hashtag #AskPiers ...and try and keep the abuse to a minimum, if you can.
Sadly, it never quite works out like that.
1.
#askPiers You are the human equivalent of catching a testicle in a zip. Do you ever phone tap your own dreams?
2.
#AskPiers Do you ever wake to the first cold fingers of dawn creeping through the curtains & think about ending it all? If not, why not?
3.
.@piersmorgan On average, how many times during an episode of 'Allo 'Allo do you get an involuntary erection? #askpiers
4.
#askpiers if a train leaves London at 12:37 and a train leaves Manchester at the same time doing 160km/h, are you still a colossal prick
5.
#askPiers If teapot A holds 32 ounces of tea, about how many ounces does teapot B hold?
6.
.@piersmorgan If you could punch the fuck out of a cormorant, would you stop when it died or keep going for added satisfaction? #askpiers
7.
Did you get that message I left for you on Ulrika Jonsson's voicemail? #askpiers
8.
#askpiers Dear @piersmorgan will you ever grow out of the larval stage? Sincerely. H. Hackenbush.
9.
#AskPiers do you think it's silly to put hidden messages in tweets? also YOU aRE A Complete and Utter iNspiraTion, please rt
10.
#askPiers I left a voicemail on a random celebrity's phone calling you a weapons-grade tosser. Did you get it? @piersmorgan @EventMagUK
11.
#AskPiers If we're made in God's image, who is your God? Cthulhu?
12.
Ever thought of setting up a Tears for Fears tribute act called Tears for Piers, but on your own, then just sitting & crying #askpiers
13.
.@piersmorgan Does licking your own sweat count as cannibalism? If not, where is the line? #askpiers
14.
When you get weeping sores, do you give them names? Maybe 'Little Piers'? #askpiers
15.
.@piersmorgan When was the last time you broke down in tears inside your secret spare-room newspaper cuttings shrine to Seal? #askpiers
16.
@piersmorgan @EventMagUK If a turtle loses it's shell,is it naked or homeless??#askpiers
17.
.@piersmorgan @EventMagUK how many pints of blood do you have to drink per day to stop your reptilian scales showing? #askpiers
18.
@piersmorgan @EventMagUK What's it like to be a gigantic tool? #AskPiers
19.
#AskPiers Do you get a discount from the barber on condition he can sell your hair clippings to witches?
20.
.@piersmorgan Would you sooner fight 100 UB40-sized Aswads or one Aswad-sized UB40? #askpiers
21.
@piersmorgan would you rather penis sized nipples or a nipple sized penis? #AskPiers
22.
#AskPiers how does it feel to have an arse for a face @piersmorgan
23.
#AskPiers why are you such a twat?
