1. The ongoing threat of fluid assault from basically anywhere on their body legitimately scares you.
They’re like slow-release water balloons, but with vomit, and urine, and poo, and other stuff that you really don’t want to identify.
2. Everyone else seems to find them cute, rather than seeing them for the malevolent evil that they really are.
3. They stare right at you like they’re judging you for your scary-weird internal monologue.
Small human, please stop looking at me and reading my mind.
4. Their tiny fingers really freak you out.
How are they moving? Are there bones in them? Are they really small bones? That’s so weird.
5. They’re so common on social networks that you start to wonder if everyone you know has actually just regressed.
I’m sure I used to have adult friends, but I haven’t seen a picture of them in months.
6. They show no signs of reason, and make basic logical fallacies.
“Oh, you hit me because bear? WHAT SORT OF FUCKING REASON IS THAT?”
7. Baby pictures are almost the worst thing in the world, and yet they are an accepted thing.
I don’t want to see this, please put your phone away.
8. Baby videos are actually the worst thing in the world.
“Look, he does this thing… there it is!” Yes. That thing on the screen moved its head slightly. I’m leaving now.
9. You refer to babies as an “it”, and apparently some people think that’s wrong because they’re actually people.
Spoiler: No, they aren’t.
10. Everyone seems to know how to hold them like it’s a totally normal thing.
It’s not a normal thing at all.
11. People try to dress them up and it does not improve them.
They just look sad in clothes their parents picked out.
12. There is a very real possibility that your mere presence will make the thing cry.
13. They get under your feet, and you expect that if you move slightly briskly you’ll end up punting one the length of the room.
Which is frowned upon.
14. The presence of a small child means that otherwise functional adults start to make sounds that in no way resemble words.
15. It’s very worrying how anything with such limited survival skills exists in the world.
16. Seriously, they must be the most breakable things in the world.
Don’t touch it, it might shatter.
17. People seem to think it makes you a soulless robot, but fail to understand that actually it is children who don’t have souls.
Little known fact – your first alcoholic drink is actually when you gain your soul.
18. There is no good reason why these human puppies should evoke such strong feelings, and yet everyone seems compelled to talk about it.
They’re not even as good as real puppies.
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