1. I’m so excited to read this new healthy eating book that is going to change my life! Just look at all those green vegetables on the cover. I feel healthier already.
2. Wow, this is a long book.
3. We don’t need to read the intro. Chapter 1…vitamins…nutrients…yadayadayada. Just tell me what to do already! Where are the menus?
4. Wow, I can’t believe I read that book in 20 minutes. Yes, I probably missed 80 percent of it, but it’s mainly filler, right?
5. I’m making a list of all the new healthy foods I’m going to eat! Here I come, pure, natural, wholesome meals that will make me poop like a normal person.
6. In three weeks, I’ll be like a glowing Heidi Klum, my skin radiating with omega-3 oils.
7. I’d forgotten how yummy baby carrots are.
8. Peanut butter is definitely a protein. I should eat more peanut butter.
9. TGFH. Thank God For Hummus.
10. I’m not hungry at all!
::15 minutes later::
11. OK. Hungry.
12. Please, please, please no one bring treats to the office today.
13. Can I eat this?
14. What about this?
15. Hmmm…well this lady on Generic Diet Chat Forum Website says she eats starch and it’s just fine.
16. Whatever you do, do not go on Pinterest.
17. Do not go on Pinterest.
18. But maybe they have yummy healthy recipes on Pinterest!
::Goes on Pinterest::
19. OMG chai smores?!
20. Oh god, gooey grilled cheese I love you.
21. I’d even eat that wedding cake that probably tastes like nothing.
22. Baby carrots: You are no longer welcome here.
23. Maybe I should have tried the other diet. The one where you eat only cookies.
24. OMG yes cookies.
25. I have just realized that my social life is completely mediated by wine and cheese and this is now a problem.
26. Maybe someone will want to come over and drink glasses of water with me.
27. Is it almost lunch?
28. I am so sad lunch is over.
29. I know I said I’d do this for a month, but maybe two weeks is good.
30. Nononononooooo but that dreamy doctor on the says this has to be a “lifestyle.” I didn’t even realize I’d never be tasting cake again.
31. Cake and I need breakup bites before we can end our union.
32. In cake we trust.
33. No! C’mon. It’s now in kale we trust.
34. Kale is good. No, seriously, I didn’t realized it could be so yum.
35. Kale in SMOOTHIES. Genius.
36. What do antioxidants even do?
37. Wait, was that supposed to fill me up?
38. What is this sorcery? Sugar free candy?
39. Wine is basically fruit, right?
40. Wait, asparagus is actually delicious.
41. Where is all this energy coming from?
42. I’m actually getting used to this.
43. Are people noticing I’m doing this? I really don’t want to have to talk about it. I just want to live forever, OK?
44. Maybe this eating plan isn’t actually so bad?
45. Why haven’t I tried this before?
46. If only this could last forever.