1. Eureka! There is one last place I can look to dig up information on a particular individual I fully admit to stalking — to the LinkedIn we go!
2. And here they are. Yessssss. Click!
3. Oh shit. Oh shit. Am I going to show up as having visited their profile? Too late now.
4. Who is this person requesting to connect? “…has indicated you are a friend?” Um, no.
5. OK. I know this is an automated option — “Since you are a person I trust, I wanted to invite you to join my network on LinkedIn” — but still… how do you know you can trust me? I don’t even know you! Don’t you know I’m loco?
6. Wonder who has visited my profile lately…
7. “Someone in the film and entertainment industry in Los Angeles”??? Who is it? OMG it’s probably Harvey Weinstein. Or someone else who wants to give me a billion dollars. Clearly.
8. Just kidding. It’s probably someone boring.
9. But seriously, where’s the secret button that gives you your dream job? I’m looking, but I don’t see it.
10. Well, while I’m here, I might as well read this Fast Company article.
11. Oh! And this Business Insider article on the pay gap for female employees. Man. That’s some unfair shit.
12. What other articles do they have? NPR: “Why Women Don’t Ask For More Money.” Ohmygodddddd being a woman is the worst.
13. Wait, how have I spent the past two hours on LinkedIn?
14. Who else has visited my profile? In other words, who thinks I am an impressive human being?
15. My ex from five years ago? Awkward! Go away!
16. Now… be very careful and do not accidentally click that profile. OK, good.
17. “143 more people viewed you”?!?! I must know the people.
18. LinkedIn is probably just saying that to make me feel good about myself.
19. But then again… maybe I should pay for that upgraded membership? Just to see? And cancel it right after? If it’s like $3.99, then it’s worth it.
20. They bill ANNUALLY? Oh, hell no.
21. Will this site ever help me?
22. It’s probably good to be on it. To network and stuff. You never know.
23. What’s with all these random emails from corporate types asking if I know someone for a job opening at their company? No, I do not know anyone who wants to work for GlutenFreeMatzo.com.
24. Are these even real people? $500 AmEx gift cards? C’mon.
25. Ooo! I just remembered I wanted to figure out how old my colleague is, since I couldn’t figure it out from Facebook.
26. OK, there’s no graduation year, but… first job in 2008… so… ::Counts on fingers::
27. All these requests from people I don’t know in unrelated fields. WTF. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
28. Wow, these have been sitting waiting for approval for months. Oops?
29. Oh my god, there’s that one person with the weird last name requesting to connect AGAIN. How long has this been happening? Years?! Yes, years.
30. Is it weird that my high school headmaster is requesting to connect on LinkedIn?
31. Yes. Definitely weird.
32. Thanks, dad, for endorsing me for “social media.”
33. Thanks, person who clearly does nothing else all day but endorse people for skills on LinkedIn.
34. Thanks, people who think I am great at “web content.” And proofreading? OK?
35. LinkedIn endorsements upset me. Who endorses for “bullying”? “Karaoke” is pretty cool, though.
36. New messages. Someone trying to get me in the real estate market. Really? WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE, LINKEDIN? I do not understand you.
37. “Miss my old boss”? “Miss” is kind of a strong word.
38. How come these “jobs you may be interested in” are never jobs I’m actually interested in?
39. I am definitely not going to comment on that girl who is apparently celebrating her one-year anniversary at her job. I mean, no one congratulated ME on LinkedIn when this happened.
40. If they had, I probably would have thought it was weird.
41. People you may know: Ooh! Add, add, add. How am I not LinkedIn friends with my real life best friend?
42. More people you may know. College professor? Skip. There’s that person I didn’t really know at my old job. Skip. Oh, person I went on a few dates with. Definitely skip. Friend from high school? Skip. Wait — what in the hell is she doing these days?
43. Scroll, scroll, scroll. OLD BOSS??? Maybe I do miss you…