1. If you are a ’90s girl, you have seen Labyrinth, the fantasy/adventure movie starring a young Jennifer Connelly and a not-so-young David Bowie.
You know what I’m talking about. You know where this is going.
This is the movie that made so many young girls secretly aroused by spiky-haired rulers of goblins. Labyrinth wasn’t supposed to be a sexy movie BUT OH HOW IT WAS.
Let us now examine the unspoken relationship you had with David Bowie …
2. We first meet 15-year-old Sarah in the park where she is rehearsing lines. In costume.
This is crucial. As children, we saw an artistic girl in a pretty dress. But what we didn’t realize is that Sarah is in fact a huge geek. Huge. She will be going to Ren faires and role playing for the rest of her life. And there’s nothing wrong with that! But this is how we began to identify deeply — as fellow uncool people who thought we were cool — with her. We are her.
3. Then comes the haunting Jareth, aka King of the Goblins, aka David Bowie.
He has taken Sarah’s baby brother hostage. But is he truly evil?
4. No! He’s toying with her. Toyyyying. This is obviously a sex game.
OH yes. We want it.
5. He agrees to give Sarah’s baby brother back if she can solve his labyrinth within 13 hours.
6. As the movie progresses, we get to know Jareth a bit more …
7. He is a king who hangs out with singing Muppets all day long. This is very sexy.
8. Then this.
Dear David Bowie, I’m really sorry to objectify you in this way. But I cannot do this post without acknowledging the presence of your crotchal area — emphasized by impossibly tight pants — throughout this film.
9. And then Jareth decides to really toy with Sarah. This is basically 50 Shades of Grey for kids.
10. Contemplating his lust for young Sarah.
11. It’s in the ballroom sequence that everything gets weird. Because CLEARLY THERE IS A CONNECTION.
Platonic acquaintances do not look at each other like that. Sarah is into this.
12. And the lyrics David Bowie sings clearly indicate that he’s fallen deeply for her …
13. Except Jareth has spent the entire movie trying to harm Sarah. Do you love her or hate her? WELL? WHICH ONE IS IT, GOBLIN KING?
Like that time you sent “the cleaners” on her? And she was about a second away from death? And also … if she’s able to rescue her baby bro, wouldn’t you stand a better chance with her?
14. But then there you go again, singing all about how this girl is your one true love.
I’m starting to feel like this is all a setup. How long have you been in love with her, David Bowie? How long have you been planning this whole thing? None of this is Sarah’s fault.
15. Leading up to the end of the movie, Sarah and Jareth have it out. And Jareth says this.
Why does this make me like him more?
16. This dude has gone about love all wrong.
… or has he?
17. And then he says this. Which makes absolutely no sense. And yet, I dunno. This seems like a pretty appealing offer.
It’s like he’s trying to reverse 50 Shade her. Which means he’s 50 Shading her even more? I’m so confused. But it doesn’t matter.
18. And so this became our fantasy. A Goblin King who rocked leggings and could turn into an owl. (Badass.)
I mean. Nevermind that David Bowie was like, a million years older than us. It’s just a movie, right?
Mrs. Future Goblin King