1. “Hasn’t your biological clock started ticking yet?”
No, but I think my pizza clock started ticking.
2. “Having children was the best decision I ever made.”
Weird, NOT having them is the best decision I’ve made so far!
3. “Kids give meaning to life.”
It feels pretty meaningful as is. Maybe I could use some ice cream, but otherwise I’m good.
4. “It must be refreshing to not have responsibility.”
Oh, right, it must have escaped me that having children is the only form of responsibility in the world.
5. “You’re running out of time.”
You are too; you’re running out of time before I realize you’re a jerk and never talk to you again.
6. “You would be a great mom, though!”
Probably, but that doesn’t mean I need to pop some kiddos out right now.
7. “Don’t you want someone to take care of you when you’re older?”
This is not a reason to have children. Also, that’s what the government is for.
8. “You’ll change your mind.”
Ohhhh are you psychic now, too?
9. “It must be nice to have so much free time.”
Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I sit around eating bonbons.
10. “I wish I could sleep in.”
I’m sorry that you can’t…but that was your choice, and this is mine.
11. “You might regret waiting so long.”
And you might regret having kids, but I don’t point that out to you.
12. “You must be so lonely.”
Nope. Doing just fine. Thanks for your concern.
13. “What if your parents hadn’t had you?!?”
Then I wouldn’t exist?
14. “You’re just going through a phase.”
If by “going through a phase” you mean following my dreams and aspirations, then yeah, I guess I am.
15. “You’re being a little selfish.”
No, being selfish would be having a child when I don’t want one.
16. “But *insert city here* isn’t a good place to raise a family.”
Perfect, then! Since I’m not planning on raising one…
17. “I used to think the same thing when I was younger. Then I grew up.”
Having children doesn’t make you more mature than me. All right? All right.