1. Your Hogwarts letter would be typed in Times New Roman.
2. And it would arrive with an American flag stamp.
3. The Hogwarts Express would be a bunch of yellow school buses.
4. King's Cross Station would be filled with men dressed like Jack Sparrow and students would pay to take their picture with them.
5. And instead of trunks, students would carry duffel bags and backpacks.
6. Once you get on the school buses there would be manspreaders taking up most of the seats.
7. Mail would be delivered by bald eagles.
8. Butterbeer would actually be PBR.
9. And students would have to acquire fake IDs to drink it, because they aren't 21.
10. The Great Hall would serve only Michelle Obama–approved meals.
11. The Dementors wouldn't be able to affect anyone from the Northeast.
12. Most Quidditch matches would end with someone getting into a fistfight over the outcome.
13. Dean Thomas would still be the token black student at the prep school. 😕
14. Rita Skeeter would write for Star magazine.
15. The Weasleys' flying car would be a Chrysler minivan.
16. Students would get in trouble for playing beer pong in the common rooms.
17. The Sorting Hat would actually just be a cowboy hat.
18. Students would get in trouble at the Yule Ball for grinding.
19. Voldemort would have been in hiding in Alaska.
20. The Beaters on the Quidditch team would wear gym shorts and socks with sandals under their robes.
21. The Triwizard Tournament would include a Canadian school and a Mexican school.
22. And the first Triwizard Tournament task would involve the participants trying to retrieve a golden egg from alligators in the swamps of Florida.
23. Upset students would get into trouble for trying to curse Sallie Mae over the debt they're in.
24. Portkeys would always be a red Solo cup.
25. A lot of underage witches and wizards would try to use their wands freely off school grounds citing the Second Amendment and the right it ensures.
26. There would be a #NotAllSlytherin movement.
27. Voldemort would be referred to as "mentally unstable" in the media.
28. The Weasleys would be offered a reality television deal.
29. Professor Trelawney would be very into drinking placenta.
30. And Dumbledore would wear an American flag pin at all times.
31. Aunt Petunia would watch reruns of Martha Stewart every afternoon.
32. And Uncle Vernon would be a HUGE fan of Big Gulps from 7-Eleven.
33. Dudley would be super into "rap music," with his favorite rapper being Iggy Azalea.
34. Christmas decorations in the Great Hall would be put up in September.
35. Molly Weasley would scream "now we got bad blood" right before killing Bellatrix Lestrange.
36. Female students would have to visit Madam Pomfrey after trying to use spells to achieve "Kylie Jenner lips" and failing.
37. The Order of the Phoenix would have T-shirts made for everyone.
38. And textbooks at Hogwarts would cost thousands of dollars.
39. Crabbe and Goyle would subscribe to The Chive.
40. Hogwarts would have standardized testing every fall and students would be required to use a No. 2 pencil instead of a quill.
41. The Battle of Hogwarts would involve the use of guns.
42. And after it was all over, Harry and Ginny would appear on an episode of House Hunters, disagreeing over an open floor plan.
43. Beyoncé would ask Hermione to star in one of her music videos.
44. And Ginny would make headlines by standing up for feminism in the Quidditch world.
45. Neville would be a weekly guest on NPR.
46. And all would be well until TMZ uncovered proof of Dumbledore's shoddy past.
