1. You’ve texted people from your couch and said that you were busy.
2. During small talk, you don’t listen but nod instead so as to not raise any questions.
Even though you’re screaming on the inside.
3. You don’t like people, but you like individuals.
4. Your enemy is the person who brought up the idea of throwing you a surprise party.
YOU ARE THE DEVIL.
5. You’ve hung out in the bathroom of a place just to get some alone time.
6. You would rather burn your tongue 103 times than go to a huge party.
7. You’re actually able to make people cancel plans so you don’t have to.
WELL, if you insist…
8. When you say you have a “busy weekend,” you mean you’ll be busy avoiding human interaction.
9. You are a PRO at finding excuses to leave a place early.
10. Some of your best friends are actually characters from your favorite books and TV shows.
And they are WAY better than real people.
11. You sometimes carry around a phone charger just to make sure your buffer between you and human interaction doesn’t die.
12. You have fantasized about slapping every person who talks to you when you have headphones in.
13. If you are guilt-tripped into going to a social event, you immediately start searching for animals to hang out with.
14. You know that having to talk to various people all day long is much more exhausting than any form of exercise.
15. You can go from work/dress clothes to sweats in less than 30 seconds.
16. And you fake smile like a CHAMP just so people will stop asking you why you’re “so quiet.”
17. You have no qualms about lying in bed all day, although you might pretend to.
“LOL I WAS SO LAZY THIS WEEKEND…” which is exactly what I wanted.
18. You often deny calls, even from your friends, only to text five minutes later, “Sorry I was in the shower! What’s up?”
Because talking on the phone? No thanks.
19. Most of your nightmares involve people who attempt to make small talk with you.
Things I care more about than the weather:
1. Literally everything
20. You often volunteer to drive just because you know it means you can bounce out early.
I think I feel a cold coming on. BYE!
21. You 100% prefer to eat alone and want to throw your drink at anyone who tries to sit with you.
I’m here to eat, not to talk.
22. And honestly, working in a cubicle is kinda ideal for you.
~ Don’t have to talk to anyone. ~
23. You have some solid negotiations stacked up for the moment when your friends successfully guilt-trip you.
I’ll go if I don’t have to talk to anyone.