1. You hate when people get you flowers, because they die, and you can’t eat them.
So you mean to tell me you spent money on these flowers instead of food?
2. Candlelit dinners aren’t really your thing because you can’t see anything worth a damn.
And you like to see your food, because duh.
3. If anyone ever tried to play you a song, you would end up laughing because…who does that?
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
4. You’re not really into holding hands because it gets sweaty as f*ck.
And you’re pretty capable of walking on your own.
5. The same goes for cuddling, can you scoot over?
So, like, how long is this supposed to last?
6. And then sometimes your partner might try to stare lovingly into your eyes.
And you don’t want ANY OF THAT sh*t.
7. You’re really bad at texting those you care about because it ends up going something like this:
8. You definitely aren’t into sharing your food with anyone.
How. Dare You.
9. Taking cute couple pictures is difficult, as you usually turn out looking uncomfortable as hell.
Probably because you were.
10. The thought of PDA is the subject of most of your nightmares.
11. And the whole “expressing your feelings through a poem” thing? No freaking way.
How can I pretend this never happened?
12. You aren’t really into the whole good morning kissing thing.
CAN WE BRUSH OUR TEETH FIRST, PLEASE?!?!?
13. And you really don’t like when anyone surprises you and joins you in the shower.
Like, can you not? I want to wash my ass in private, PLEASE. This is sacred.
14. And cutesy nicknames make you want to puke.
I was given a name at birth, use it.