30 Things Only Hypochondriacs Will Understand

I really don’t want to die, it’s just that I’m pretty sure I’m dying.

1. Getting a second opinion means checking WebMD AND the Mayo Clinic.

ID: 1772579

2. You’ve correctly self-diagnosed yourself at least once…and that makes the paranoia even worse.

NBC / Via giphy.com

What if I’m right AGAIN?!

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3. You take chest pain very seriously, which is why you always think you are having a heart attack.

It’s taken all the fun out of bacon.

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4. When you get a little sick, you lie awake thinking it’s something worse, and then you get sicker.

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5. The Mayo Clinic Symptom Checker has completely ruined your mental health.

Costochondritis? Did I get that from Costco?!

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6. Your friends and family routinely ban you from googling your symptoms.

ID: 1773202

7. Headache…or tumor? Cyst…or tumor? Birthmark…or tumor? Cheerio that fell down your shirt…or tumor?

See also: Zit or cold sore?

ID: 1772316

8. You don’t get backaches, you get kidney problems.

But if I drink any more water, my electrolytes might get out of balance, DEAR GOD.

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9. Poop issues are the worst, because they’re scary AND you can’t tell anyone about them.

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10. If your head is feeling a little warm, then you’re taking your temperature at least three times.

The first one didn’t count, you had water beforehand.

ID: 1773474

11. For the ladies, constantly worrying that you are pregnant even if this is embarrassingly unlikely.

ID: 1773856

12. When your doctor asks about your symptoms, they’re all direct quotes from WebMD.

You’re just trying to be helpful.

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13. Sometimes you wish your appendix would just burst and get it over with, already.

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14. Bug bites become terrifying little enigmas to you.

Is it fleas?? Shingles?? Hives?? Warts?? West Nile?? People get West Nile all the time.

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15. Any tiny symptom that lasts for longer than a week is no longer a tiny symptom.

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16. Whenever your throat feels scratchy, you immediately blame the last co-worker of yours who coughed.

New Line Cinema / Via giphy.com

Stop infecting my life, Kevin.

ID: 1772154

17. You frequently wish there was a way to google skin rashes without actually having to look at any.

ID: 1773077

18. You’re constantly worried that your doctor might be having an off day when you visit.

What if they’re tired? Distracted? SICK?

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19. You’ve learned by now which friends take you seriously and which friends don’t.

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20. You sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by all the degenerative illnesses that run in your family.


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21. In college, getting a roommate who was pre-med was like hitting the jackpot.

NBC / Via gifbay.com

The jackpot of answers!

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22. Crooked smile? Nerve damage.

Also, stroke.

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23. You’re relieved when you receive antibiotics. BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO THE ANTIBIOTICS?

NBC / Via giphy.com
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24. Leaving the house without Purell makes you feel naked.

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25. You know exactly how much it costs to go to the emergency room.

The intake nurses know which arm you like your bracelet on.

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26. You’re constantly needin’ that D.

You’re wondering if the limits on the box regarding the allowable daily intake of the D are flexible.

ID: 1771732

27. You know exactly which diseases dogs can give to humans.

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28. You suspect that sometimes your doctor is giving you a prescription just to make you go away.

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29. Any hangover that lasts longer than a day is obviously mono or the flu.

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30. If you don’t get better after antibiotics, it’s because your infection has now mutated into a super bacteria, which will end the world.


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