Buying Plus-Size Clothes: Expectations Vs. Reality

All we want is for someone to shut up and take our money. Is that so hard?

1. Expectation: With a little elbow grease, you can find plenty of tasteful things that flatter your body.

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2. Reality: You will find lots of stuff that emphasizes your boobs.

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3. Or attempts to draw the eyes…elsewhere.

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4. Or tries to disguise you in a confusing print.

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5. Evening Wear Expectations: Surely, you will be able to find something adorable to hit the town with.

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6. Reality: You will find lots of tents.

Like a goddamn denim circus.

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7. Or ridiculous animal prints and cheap fabric.

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8. H&M Expectations: H&M offers plus sizes now! That means I will be able to find H&M clothes in my size! I will have dozens of options!

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9. H&M Reality: Having literally ones of options.

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10. Expectation: When you size up, the clothes will fit you correctly.

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11. Reality: Your clothes will now fit one specific part of you correctly.

It will somehow manage to fit you poorly in every other way possible. You will now literally look like a sad sack.

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12. Mall Expectations: You love shopping and you love your friends, and the mall will have both! Therefore, you love the mall.

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13. Reality: There is only one store for you there, and it is seriously depressing.

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14. If you try to shop in it, you will spend 30 minutes in a dressing room trying on pants that don’t fit well before you give up, half naked. You hate the mall.

You will feel like someone who has swum too far out into the ocean and is now too exhausted to swim back.

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15. Bra Expectations: Everyone loves big boobs. Surely you will be able to find some bras to accomodate our universal love of big boobs.

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16. Reality: Need a bra for any size higher than triple D? Good luck with that.

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17. Summer Dresses Expectation: Bring on the breezy comfort, ‘cause it’s flauntin’ season.

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18. Reality: Bring on the terrible patterns and loud colors and looking like you just rolled around in a children’s birthday party.

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19. Online Shopping Expectation: There are so many online retailers! Surely you can find clothes that are on trend.

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20. Reality: You will find clothes that are horrible mash-ups of trends.

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21. Range of Selection Expectations: Look at all these thumbnails of dresses! Surely there will be something for me!

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22. Reality: The thumbnails are actually hiding horrible details, which become immediately clear once I zoom in.

Unless I want to go as Unnecessarily Distracting Co-Worker for Halloween.

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23. Expectation: It will not be all that hard to find fun, interesting separates that go together.

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24. Reality: You will find ugly separates modeled by pretty people who will distract you from how IRL ugly their clothes are.

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25. Modcloth Expectations: Oh, thank God, Modcloth sells plus-size clothes. I buy all of them and am cute forever.

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26. Modcloth Reality: H&M prices, these are not.

My rent check is probably not clearing this month.

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