14 Totally Impractical Lingerie Items You Can Buy

I'M TOO SEXY FOR THIS BUTT TASSEL.

Hello. We are Kristin and Leo and sometimes we like to talk about fashion. Today we're discussing crazy lingerie from a variety of retailers.

Sam Stryker / BuzzFeed

Leo: Much like cats that play with toys, lingerie requires suspension of disbelief. If you can put on crotchless panties and pretend like that is a normal thing, then by all means, get thee to a Victoria's Secret.

Kristin: Look, lingerie is great and a lot of fun, but I feel like the average person is going to have a much harder time pulling off a rainbow fishnet body stocking than, say, a model. I think there is a difference between "sexy" and "laughably distracting."

1. Open-Cup Lace Bralette, Fredericks of Hollywood, $32

http://www.fredericks.com/Open-Cup_Lace_Bralette/94383,default,pd.html?cgid=US01&

http://www.fredericks.com/Open-Cup_Lace_Bralette/94383,default,pd.html?cgid=US01&

Kristin: This is not a bra, this is a diorama for a science project about boobs.

Leo: I feel like Regina George had a hand in this design.

2. Levrette Panty, Kiki de Montparnesse, $65

kikidm.com

Leo: Panties with built-in porn. Now that's innovation.

Kristin: Oh, THAT'S what sex is. I have been wondering ever since I was 8 and went to my first Michael Bolton concert but this really clears things up, thanks, panties.

3. New Banded Tassel Naughty Knicker, Frederick's of Hollywood, $28

Via fredericks.com

Kristin: I don't personally feel like my butt needs wind chimes, or really anything that makes discreet farting an impossibility.

Leo: If you pull down on the tassel, does a lamp turn on or something?

4. Cutout Cheeky Undie, Free People, $14

Via freepeople.com

Leo: Isn't the purpose of a boy short to have coverage?

Kristin: 3/10, needs to look less like a mouse has been slowly eating through them.

5. Pastease Pasties, Nasty Gal, $10

Via nastygal.com

Leo: Drug jugs!

Kristin: I don't like to wear anything where I feel like I only have one shot to put them on correctly or else I ruin them. This is underwear, not the moon landing.

Leo: I don't fear putting them on, I fear taking these off.

6. BlueBella Sasha Fringed Bodysuit, ASOS, $68

Via us.asos.com

Leo: Oh, look, it's from the Cousin It Midnight Fantasy collection.

Kristin: "Do you love when you're on top of someone, and your hair gets all in their face, but you yearn for something more inconvenient? THEN WE HAVE THE GARMENT FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU."

7. BlueBella Unwrap Me Body Bow, ASOS, $29

http://us.asos.com/Bluebella/BlueBella-Unwrap-Me-Body-Bow/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=4180720&cid=6046&sh=0&pge=6&pgesize=204&sort=-1&clr=Red&totalstyles=1640&gridsize=3

http://us.asos.com/Bluebella/BlueBella-Unwrap-Me-Body-Bow/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=4180720&cid=6046&sh=0&pge=6&pgesize=204&sort=-1&clr=Red&totalstyles=1640&gridsize=3

Leo: SURPRISE! I got you this sexy wedgie!

Kristin: Your grandma who is always saving everything would be really pissed that you went and bought a brand-new ribbon just for this.

Leo: This is a total nightmare for anyone who is not good at wrapping presents.

8. Tie Me Up Hollywood Naughty Knicker, $22, Frederick's of Hollywood

Via fredericks.com

Kristin: What does this Craigslist ad look like? "Woman seeking special someone to tie me to my underwear"?

Leo: You can't put it on yourself. What if you put it on in the bathroom? How would you get out? You'd have to like, call a time-out on sexytime to get your partner to help you out. OK, NOW TIME-IN!

Kristin: And after someone finishes tying you up, what do they do? It's not like they can spank you, because your goddamn hands are in the way. What if your phone rings? What if you fart on your hands?

9. Floral Lace Lounge Set, $39.99, Lingerie Diva

http://www.lingeriediva.com/bras/floral-lace-lounge-set

http://www.lingeriediva.com/bras/floral-lace-lounge-set

Leo: I fully approve of this outfit. It looks simple, comfortable, and most importantly, ready to go should Soul Train come back on the air.

Kristin: New rule: Pants that double as underwear should never be long enough to potentially trip over.

10. Stars and Stripes Teeny Weenie Monokini, Yandy, $12.95

http://www.yandy.com/Stars-And-Stripes-Teeny-Weeny.php

http://www.yandy.com/Stars-And-Stripes-Teeny-Weeny.php

Leo: Subtle elegance.

Kristin: OK, but how are the flag parts staying directly on her nipples? I call bullshit on your physics, sexy flag onesie.

11. Drape Chain Crotchless Thong, Lingerie Diva, $9.99

http://www.lingeriediva.com/crotchless/drape-chain-crotchless-thong

http://www.lingeriediva.com/crotchless/drape-chain-crotchless-thong

Kristin: Do you think anyone's ever gotten caught in that?

Leo: [In disgust] Annngggawwwwwww.

Kristin: I think it's a fair question!

Leo: So, this is dry clean only, right?

12. Rainbow Stripe Mini-Stocking, Lingerie Diva, $17.99

http://www.lingeriediva.com/lingerie-accessories/bodystockings/rainbow-stripe-mini-stocking

http://www.lingeriediva.com/lingerie-accessories/bodystockings/rainbow-stripe-mini-stocking

Leo: Every man's Rainbow Brite fantasy, FINALLY fulfilled.

Kristin: This is one of the products they recommend to you after you buy "The Complete Lisa Frank Sticker Collection."

13. Lacy Micro-Mini G String Thong, Etsy, $9.99

Via etsy.com

Leo: What is this? Underpants for ANTS?

Kristin: If they gave awards to underwear, this would be the pair that only gets a Participation Ribbon. Like, "Congratulations, you did the bare minimum required to be legally considered underwear."

14. Crotchless Tuxedo G String, $9.89, Lingerie Diva

Via lingeriediva.com

Leo: I suppose if your vagina has a black-tie-only dress code, this is actually quite appropriate.

Kristin: I feel like if you glanced down during sex, you would ask yourself, "Why does it look like I'm fucking Mr. Monopoly?"

Leo: Go directly to jail.