73 Desperate Thoughts That Only Appear When The Internet Is Down

Five minutes is a lifetime.

Comedy Central

1. What do I have to sacrifice to get the internet working again?
2. I’ll give up sex.
3. Only with other people since that’s currently not happening anyway.
4. ……..i see now why that isn’t technically a sacrifice.
5. Who do I have to sacrifice to get the internet working again?
6. I mean I like my Mom.
7. But my landlady could probably go.
8. She never got anyone to fix the fucking dishwasher anyway.
9. Yeah fuck that bitch.
10. DEMON GODS OF THE FIBEROPTIC HIGH SPEED INTERNET CABLE I OFFER YOU THIS LANDLADY.
11. Can you be a demon god?
12. Anything’s possible on the internet.
13. What does a fiberoptic hellscape look like?
14. Probably that rave scene in the second Matrix movie.
15. Pour one out for Neo.
16. Neo would be able to fix the internet.
17. What would Neo do?
18. Put that shit on a bracelet and make a fuckton of money.
19. No wait that’s Christian jewelers.
20. Or the smiley face tshirt guy from Forrest Gump.
21. I can’t believe there’s ever been shit on Tom Hanks’ face.
22. Even if is was fake shit.
23. JENNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHERE’S THE INTERNET?
24. I’m gonna tweet at Robin Wright and find out.
25. Fuck I don’t even now if Robin Wright has a twitter.
26. And now I never will.
27. Actually maybe I can call my Mom and she’ll google it for me.
28. I can’t believe my Mom didn’t pick up.
29. Does she have a secret double life?
30. Are there people who don’t even know that she’s a mom?
31. My Mom is not graceful enough to be a secret agent.
32. Is she?
33. Maybe her mom-ness has been a carefully articulated cover this whole time.
35. Shit my Mom’s Coulson.
36. omg omg omg my Mom’s calling me back get ready for a whole new world
37. …..i knew you weren’t a secret agent Mom.
38. w/e
39. How can anyone be too busy to google Robin Wright twitter?
40. It’s literally three words.
41. Oh man remember Chacha?
42. They told me that Golden Oreos were a real thing.
43. I wonder if they still exist.
44. I bet they’ll have all the answers to Robin Wright.
45. *While texting:* I should change my signature to something that’s not “Sent from the USS Enterprise”.
46. I wonder how many times Robin Wright has watched Kevin Spacey make out with another dude.
47. Why do people call attractive guys hunks?
48. Hunk of what?
49. HUNK OF WHAT????
50. I wish I had a more aggressive frown.
51. So I could both express my distaste of the colloquialism ‘hunk’ and terrify small misbehaving children.
52. Like the anti-Mary Poopins.
53. Fuck I meant Mary Poppins.
54. Poopins is such an unfortunate last name.
55. #praying4poopins
56. Shout out to my parents for thinking of my extremely sensible name, Krutika Mallikarjuna.
57. *Text message from Chacha:* YAAASS ROBIN WRIGHT HAS A TWITTER!!!
58. If you’re going to tweet at Robin Wright be fucking cool.
59. Who am I kidding she hangs out with Kevin Spacey.
60. Maybe I’ll go outside and trying blowing a plastic bag around with a hairdryer.
61. Or maybe I’ll get Doritos.
62. Dorite lyfe is the best lyfe.
63. Man I’m so glad Sochi is over and regular TV is back on.
64. Glad I convinced myself not to go outside and just watch TV instead.
65. Can’t wait to claim my rightful throne, that future floating La-Z Boy from Wall-e.
66. Why won’t anyone space dance with me?
67. This is what I for being made out organic matter.
68. Ugh biological processes.
69. MOM, WHAT, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
70. ………..thanks for googling Robin Wright for me.
71. OMG I HAVE TO GO MOM I THINK THE INTERNET’S BACK!!!!1!
72. I’ll never take you for granted again you beautiful, beautiful cesspool.
72. And I got rid of my terrible landlady.
73. Pretty fucking outstanding, I’m going to order Seamless to reward myself.

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