69 Inexplicable Questions Rewatching “Spider-Man” Raises

Tobey Maguire should be forever frozen in the early 2000’s.

Columbia Pictures

Columbia Pictures

 

1. Sam Raimi made it, how bad could it really have been?
2. I know Samuel L. Jackson isn’t going to be in this, but maybe if I wish on some snake-free planes, Samuel L. Jackson might magically be in this?
3. Why does Tobey Maguire have a muppet voice? He’s like 95% muppet, 5% moist eyeballs.
4. In what social hierarchy is a 35-year-old adult playing a teenager who spilled the jelly from a jelly donut on himself allowed to laugh at Peter Parker?
5. In fact who are all these adult high schoolers? All these people are legit old enough to have HAD teenagers.
6. What NYC high schooler takes a school bus? I’ve lived here seven years and the only yellow school bus I’ve ever seen was filled Orthodox Jewish lawyers.
7. shiiiiiiIIIT is this the dystopian universe where James Franco actually ages into Willem Dafoe? That is highly unfortunate.

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8. How soon do you think James Franco started aggressively moisturizing his face after first meeting Willem Dafoe?
9. Is there anything more tragic than early 2000s Kirsten Dunst waving at someone behind you?
10. LOLOLOLOLOL is there anything more hilarious than Willem Dafoe telling his rich white attractive son to be proud of who he is and where he comes from?
11. Is that… the werewolf from True Blood as Kirsten Dunst’s boyfriend? HOLY SHIT IT IS.
12. What teenage girl likes spiders?
13. What Kirsten Dunst likes spiders?
14. Oh shit, is James Franco LITERALLY on his way to steal yo gurl Tobey? And yep there he goes, good job Cyrano de Bergerac you gave hime all the right answers to quench Kirsten Dunst’s weird Zoobooks love for spiders.
15. JFC IS KIRSTEN DUNST MODELING 4 SPIDERS?

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16. Do you think the spider that bit Tobey Maguire ever just thinks about his life and choices?
17. Where the fuck is Aunt May’s faux British/New England/old fussy person accent from?
18. Why does Oscorp look like it has a bank vault full of gold bullions in it that you access from a diving board?
19. Dear Willem Dafoe you’re a scientist, why would you smash lab equipment? Respect the method on your way to supervilliany.
20. Dear Redshirt who dissed Dafoe’s formula, you know you’re going to die now right?
21. Am I supposed to find Tobey Maguire attractive now that he has muscles?
22. OMG TOBEY MAGUIRE AND KIRSTEN DUNST ARE NEIGHBORS IN THIS MOVIE? HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS PERV WATCHED HER CHANGE?
23. Why would you try and ask Kirsten on a date after you heard her dad verbally abuse her and watched her storm out of her house?
24. How do you fucking miss the bus literally every day Tobey Maguire?
25. TOBEY HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, “DID YOU JUST GET CONTACTS?”
26. Remember when you were an awkward teenager with sticky jizz hands in the cafeteria? Yeah me neither.
27. TM did you really try to steal another superhero’s (from a different comic universe) catchphrase to unleash your jizz hands?

Columbia Pictures

Columbia Pictures

 

28. What high schooler says tally ho? Who thought that was a good idea?
29. PETER YOU LIVE IN QUEENS, QUEENS IS THE CITY, HOW CAN YOU WANT TO MOVE TO THE CITY WHEN YOU ALREADY LIVE THERE?
30. Are you seriously trying to convince me that Peter Parker got into crime-fighting because he wanted to buy a car and impress a girl?
31. How many ladies in leather bikinis yelling at Tobey Maguire at a wrestling match is too many?
32. You seriously wanted to be called The Human Spider? What is wrong with you?
33. “That’s a cute outfit did your husband give it to you?” How lame is your mildly homophobic trash talk game Peter?
34. DO YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT NOW THAT YOUR UNCLE’S DEAD PETER? ‘Cause karma feels great.
35. Will anybody ever love James Franco as much as Willem Dafoe loves Tobey Maguire?
36. JFC Maguire how do you not know who James “Such Good Friends I’m Letting You Mooch Off My Family In This Run Down Yet Gorgeous and Spacious Apartment” Franco is dating? Hint, it’s one of two female roles in this entire movie.

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37. And now you’re just going to be a photographer. How do jobs just keep falling into your hands TM?
38. Who did they call to get Oscorp execs in matching shades of bland?
39. HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT MACY GRAY?!?!?!
40. OMG DOES STAN LEE SURVIVE THE DESTRUCTION?
41. Is this level of CGI actually shitty or am I spoiled now that I’ve flown over the Bifrost?
42. How long have you been wearing that bodysuit under your clothes Tobey Maguire?
43. How filled with sweat is that bodysuit right now?
44. How much panicked screaming is too much panicked screaming?
45. Is the Green Goblin literally a cartoon? Am I watching Cool World?
46. Does Kirsten Dunst know that she’s wearing a cheongsam? And more importantly, does she know she’s not Chinese?

Columbia Pictures

47. Did the Green Goblin call up Gollum for talking-to-yourself tips?
48. Is J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson the peak of this movie?
49. Why can I see Willem Dafoe’s eyes through the Green Goblin suit? This is fucking nightmare fuel.
50. What adult woman would call a grown man tiger?
51. How many times did Tobey Maguire pass out while filming this upside down kiss?
52. Are you for real about to pull a baby out of a fire TM? Also that baby is not fine, why would you say that when it’s just been in a fire.
53. Is having a mask collection a universal sign of a wealthy murderer?
54. Even if they look like they were made by a fifth grade art class?
55. Was it really necessary for Aunt May to scream DELIVER US FROM EVIL?
56. Is Tobey Maguire seriously asking about MJ’s new crush while his aunt is in the hospital because of the Green Goblin?
57. EWWWW IS AUNT MAY STRAIGHT UP CREEPING ON PETER AND MJ?
58. Why do I want to kill myself every time Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst speak to each other?

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59. Tobey Maguire why would you ask Green Goblin not to harm people? He’s obviously going to do the thing.
60. Does the strength of his jizz hands vary depending on how aroused he is by danger?
61. Does Kirsten Dunst do anything other than scream in the Goblin’s presence?
62. Is there anything more charming that New Yorkers united by yelling and throwing shit together? (The answer is no, that will always be the best thing.)
63. How do I get invited to one of these yelling and throwing stuff New Yorker bonding sessions?
64. Is there anything more satisfying than watching Tobey Maguire get punched in the face?
65. Why would someone hide James Franco in turtlenecks?
67. Why would Kirsten Dunst think her boyfriend’s dead dad’s funeral is a good place to confess her feelings for another man?
66. How do you not know there’s no such thing as platonic neck touching TM?
67. Or platonic face touching?
68. YOU LOVE TOBEY MAGUIRE? Re-evaluate your choices Kirsten Dunst.
69. Why did I do this to myself?

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