1. “I wish I could get further into the corner.”
2. “If I take a nap, will I care when someone steals my swagbag?”
3. “If the text never sends, did I even write the text at all?”
4. “So close to an exit, yet so far.”
5. “No the floor is a totally charming place for a family dinner, look how close it is to the garbage can.”
6. “The cost of charging my phone is too high if I have to watch promos for Da Vinci’s Demons.”
7. “If only this hood contained another dimension where I could walk about unmolested.”
8. “I will cut this bitch if he tries to take my seat.”
9. * puts in headphones, blasts Justin Bieber *
10. “If I blend into the wall, no one will step on me for the millionth time today.”
11. “I would literally rather play Nintendo DS by myself than be here right now.”
12. “Why so…………………………………………………….”
13. “No one’s even recognized me yet.”
14. * turns back on cosplay, friends, life (//_-) *
15. “I literally feel like I’ve been squashed by foot of God.”
16. “All my lumps got smooth, what is even the globbing point anymore?”
17. “The floor is hot lava, and the carpet is the winter of my discontent.”
18. * vanishes into a mist of exhausted ennui *
19. “I regret having a child.”
20. “If I just believe, I can transmute these steps into a La-Z-Boy.”
21. * powers down *
- Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore is dropping out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He got 133 votes in New Hampshire.
- Venezuela is reporting hospitalizations and three deaths as the Zika virus, which is linked to birth defects, spreads.
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz.