1. When giving out this love advice.
You keep looking for the psychological reason that you can't find love, but really it's because you've got a mad looking face
2. And while showing off his romantic side on Valentine's Day.
❤️"I just want to say, anonymously, that I think about fucking you a lot" ❤️
3. When responding to Cheryl Cole getting her entire butt tattooed with roses.
4. And he certainly doesn't mind offending particular cities.
I've been to Liverpool, and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice
5.
There are actually some really nice places to stay in Newcastle if you venture out a bit from the centre. We're in Durham.
6. Or countries.
Google Translate is telling me the Welsh don't have a word for cunt. Which is surprising, as they could really use one.
7.
Ireland have a cricket team now? This is like Cool Runnings.
8. Or anyone at all, actually.
@richardbranson You own an airline you mad cunt
9. Particularly if you're Chris Brown.
10. Or David Cameron.
@David_Cameron You left your daughter in a pub
11.
@David_Cameron In that spirit, I have to say that I think you're a psychopath
12. In fact, basically everyone in politics.
@BarackObama The ones you're force feeding in Guantanamo? Or the ones you're bombing?
13.
One thing that surprises me on Twitter is how many UKIP supporters can read
14.
You're basically voting for which position you're going to get fucked in for the next five years
15. Or the Queen of England.
The older the Queen gets, the more days off when she dies. It's already looking like at least a long weekend. God bless her.
16. No one's safe from his opinions.
@richardbranson I'm on your train from London to Glasgow. It's a bus, you cunt.
17.
Any guy who has a picture of their car on their Twitter page is always a cunt
18. He likes to wade into current affairs.
I suppose the USA is worried that refugees might get involved in mass shooting just to try to fit in
19. And really, really does not give a shit what anyone thinks.
1. Collect flood insurance 2. Go to bookies and bet government will let your house flood again next year 3. Collect winnings. 4. Move
20. I mean, this is how he promotes his own live shows.
If you haven't seen me live before, come along and you can hate me for a whole new set of reasons http://t.co/12weXH7fSp
21. And as for religion?
Jesus came to us with an important message of hope. By his life he taught us that 1 in 12 people is a cunt. Less than you'd think.
22. Yep, couldn't give a shit.
Jesus gave up his life for us, so that we could have a 4 day weekend. Decent of the cunt.
23.
Never mind what has chocolate got to do with Jesus, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE RABBITS GOT TO DO WITH EGGS?
24. But he also takes shots at himself.
These days women look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow
25. And considers other career paths.
26. Even his own mother isn't safe.
Happy Mother's Day, and I hope that a card and a box of Milk Tray seems like a fair exchange for the structural integrity of your vagina
27. He shares his opinions on feminism.
Men, feminists are the only people who have a vision for you that isn't wanking to a flickering screen in unbearable sadness. Go with it.
28. To Facebook.
Anyone can troll on Twitter, but hats off to people who do it on Facebook where everyone can see they've got ugly kids and a shit kitchen.
29. And everything in between.
The things I'd do to One Direction would make the human centipede look like a conga at Butlins
30.
I don't read newspapers anymore. I just lie to myself and cut out the middleman.
31. But you can't say that he's not thoughtful.
I don’t want my funeral to be a sad affair, I want it to be a day of celebration. It’s the main reason I’m always such a cunt.