1. I wanted to stay inside.
2. Told everyone I wanted to stay inside the protective house.
3. MOTHER OF GOD IT’S BRIGHT OUT HERE.
4. Where is everyone?
5. I can’t see through this wall of sunshine.
6. RELAX, SUN.
7. Why do people ever go outside?
8. We invented houses for a reason.
9. There go all my friends, out into the fiery rays of death.
10. “IT’S FINE, I’LL JUST BE OVER HERE, K?”
12. Must find shade immediately.
13. Must out-maneuver these families to secure a spot in the shade.
14. Why are there so many people here?
15. Aren’t we over the beach yet?
16. I’m on fire, my skin is on fire, I’m ablaze.
17. I’M ABLAZE, I SAY.
18. OUT OF MY WAY, YOU BRONZED ROTISSERIE CHICKENS.
19. Oh, sweet mother shade. Bless you.
20. I need a drink.
21. I estimate that I will get an hour of shade here before the sun shifts.
22. Then I will seek new shade.
23. Time to sit back and relax.
24. Just for an hour, I’ll set a timer on my phone.
26. How long has it been since I last applied sunscreen?
27. Roughly…15 minutes.
28. Time for a second coat.
29. I wonder if someone will do my back for me.
30. Or if someone will tell me if I got it all rubbed in on my face.
31. Seriously, is it weird to ask someone to do my back for me?
32. Screw it, I’ll just put on a shirt.
33. Did I forget my long-sleeved sun shirt?!
34. It must be underneath these three bottles of sunscreen and my sun hat.
35. Not here, great, now I’ll have one of those awful back sunburns tomorrow.
36. I’ll have to sleep on my side for a week.
37. I’ll have to dip myself in a vat of aloe.
38. All the tan people of the world will be like, “HEY, LOBSTER!”
39. And I’ll be like, “HAHA, YEAH!” and then weep later.
40. My skin is actually the color of the sand.
41. I am sand.
42. I long for October.
43. October really is the perfect month.
44. Just the right amount of cloud coverage.
45. We should live in an eternal October.
46. Maybe I’ll move to Seattle — it’s cloudy there all the time, right?
47. I should google that.
48. I feel like everyone’s looking at me — are people looking at me?
49. They’re looking over here and thinking, Look, the snowman from Frozen.
50. Which is fine, Olaf was the best part of that movie.
51. He understood the plight of pale people, longing for the sun’s warmth.
52. Though it will mean certain death.
53. If I marry someone pale, our kids are fucked.
54. Is it irresponsible for us to procreate?
55. My future spouse could be on this beach right now.
56. Could be looking on from afar right now, thinking, Pasty is indeed tasty.
58. How long has it been since I last applied sunscreen?
59. Roughly…15 minutes.
60. Time for a third coat.
61. All right, that’s it.
62. I’m asking a stranger to do my back.
- Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore is dropping out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He got 133 votes in New Hampshire.
- MLB issued its first-ever lifetime ban for performance enhancing drugs to New York Mets' Jenrry Mejia.
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz.