1. It’s twice as expensive for you to go out drinking.
Because you need twice as much alcohol to get tipsy.
2. Your friends always get way drunker than you way faster.
HOW ARE YOU DRUNK OFF ONE SHOT?
3. And you secretly envy their low tolerance.
“Life must be so simple for you,” you think, as you watch your friends get sloppy off two cocktails.
4. You have to carefully plan out how you’re going to drink enough to be on the same level as your friends.
Pre-gaming is actually a refined art.
5. In your mind, happy hour = sprint hour.
I’d like a vodka tonic, and feel free to just put in the order for a second round when you drop off the first round.
6. But your friends still end up getting drunk way before you.
Two drinks? Seriously?
7. Including your guy friends.
9. And then you end up having to take care of them.
“It’s fine,” you tell your best friend as you hold her hair back while she vomits.
10. Including your guy friends.
Who are all secretly embarrassed you have to take care of them when they’re drunk.
11. Which kills the small buzz you had just started to get going.
Nothing is more sobering than drunk people.
12. If you’re on a date, the likelihood of your date getting drunker than you on the same amount of wine is pretty high.
13. Which means you have found yourself in the weird position of faking drunkenness to be polite.
Yeah, I’m totally feeling that glass of red wine, woooooo!
14. People who don’t know you very well assume you’re just very good at hiding your inebriation.
“I can’t even tell you’re drunk!” they cry, as you sigh defeatedly.
15. Bartenders love you, because you’re the only person who isn’t slurring and sobbing by the end of the night.
“Have a nice night,” you call to the bartender as you leave with a friend draped over each shoulder.
16. And the only one sober enough to deal with the bar tab at the end of the night.
“Just give me your credit card, I’ll take care of it,” you say as your friend hands you his library card.
17. And the only one who can correctly tell the cab driver where to go.
“HOOOOOME!” your drunk friends yell as you try to say the cross streets.
18. AND the only one who can convince your friend that she will regret making out with that guy.
“I promise, he isn’t your sober type,” you say, restraining her.
19. You’ve heard more than one drunken confession that no one else remembers.
“OK, love you back, now shut up and go to sleep,” you say, mid eye roll.
20. BUT YOU REMEMBER FOREVER, BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T DRUNK ENOUGH TO FORGET.
“I BEAR THE BURDEN OF SECRECY,” you scream to your hungover friends.