BuzzFeed editor Mackenzie Kruvant has never been drunk. Never! We asked her to describe what she thought it would feel like. Here are the results of our very thorough investigation.
So, Mackenzie, you’ve never been drunk, right?
MK: Nope! I’m missing the enzyme that our stomach uses to digest it so I get really sick almost immediately. I would get very drunk if I could.
How do people act when they’re drunk?
MK: People do a lot of different things, but my friends seem to always do the same type of stuff: They want to dance, make best friends with random people, say they aren’t drunk but obviously are, knock over drinks. They all start screaming and make 8,932,493,280 different plans, but never actually move anywhere.
I’ve never really understood why everyone has to scream/sing everything. It’s also super annoying when people get to the point when they can’t stand up but still fight you about EVERYTHING and you’re like, Dude, I’m trying to help you and you’re already ruining my night. Can you please just sit on this curb for five fucking seconds while I call you a cab?
Do you try to join in, or match their behavior even though you’re not drunk too?
MK: Most of the time, yeah. It’s fun for a while but eventually they stop listening and I feel like I’m talking to someone who has been hit with a tranquilizer gun. They also always want to hang on me and tell me that they feel bad for me for being sober and all I can think is, You’re literally one step away from being a baby right now.
So what do you think being drunk feels like?
MK: Well, I’ve always been told that drinking hard liquor makes you warm so I imagine that it’s like when you drink hot chocolate or something, which sounds so lovely. After that stage, I imagine that literally nothing happens in your brain because on the outside that’s basically what it looks like. I can’t imagine that people are actually forming ideas or thoughts, but based on how they act, I guess they truly think that they’re fine? Which is confusing.
I imagine that being drunk is like being wrapped in a giant coat of puppies, which I’ve never done either, so that may be a bad example. But people are SO happy, and that would make me that happy.
Can you discern the difference between people being drunk on different types of booze?
MK: I can’t really tell the difference between booze. But I can tell the difference between stages of drunk, which allows me to decide if my night is over. Whenever people start discussing moving to a new bar or to go eat and then don’t go and discuss it for 20 more minutes is when I usually leave. It means the night is either a.) over or b.) everyone is about to reach the stage where they’ll forget I’m there.
What do you think hangovers feel like?
MK: I imagine being hungover is like when you have a 7 a.m. flight and you go to bed at 2 a.m. and you only get two hours of sleep, and you get on the plane and then can’t fall asleep and now you’re hungry and also are feeling so sick and are unsure if you’re going to vomit or not.
Do you think people can tell when they’ve crossed from one level of drunkenness to the next? Or is that something that you only notice from the outside?
MK: Based on how people act, I doubt that you can tell where the line is at a certain point. I’ve heard friends be like, “I’m not that drunk!” and actually not be that drunk. So I imagine for a while you can kind of gauge where you are, but eventually you’re unsure. Or you’re ignoring it and just being a dick, which would be news to me.
What do you think it’s like trying to flirt while being drunk?
MK: I imagine that it’s what Justin Bieber feels like all the time. Like, “ohh yeahhh so cool,” but on the outside everyone is like, “Dude. You’re still wearing leather pants. You look like you are carrying your last shit with you.”
Any last advice for drunk people?
MK: I don’t really have advice because most of the time I’m just envious and also kind of sad that I get left out of a lot of situations because I’m sober. I do get it, though. I wouldn’t want a sober person there either.
I would ask people who drink to stop trying to make a big deal out of not drinking. People who don’t drink for a weekend ask for a medal. I once knew a girl that stopped drinking and then blogged about it. I was reading it and was like, You haven’t had a drink in two weeks. You have not achieved mental clarity. And if you have, you should probably talk to someone because there is a bigger problem.