How To Hook Up With Celebrities Over Twitter (Except Justin Bieber)

Celebrities and athletes: they’re just like us - they want to use Twitter to trade n00dz. Here’s how.

Twitter has become the great leveler in the vast chasm that used to exists between us plebes and the celebrities we adore. In ye olden days, one might have to send a letter by mail to a P.O. box (ew, stamps) to tell their favorite actor or singer how much they appreciated them. Fan clubs existed on the theory that in order to be around other people who liked a singer or actor as much as you did, you’d need to pay some dues and show up at monthly meetups, or getting a newsletter in the mail.

The idea of joining a fanclub now is ridiculous. Twitter basically exists for the purpose of fueling a non-stop Justin Bieber fan meetup - the sheer amount of accounts dedicated to only tweeting about Beebs is incredible; you can tell because they tend to have Justin somewhere in the username.

A crucial aspect of Twitter-Bieber mania is trying to convince Justin to follow you back. Unlike most celebrities who use Twitter like the rest of us do – following maybe 200-300 accounts that we actually read — Justin follows over 122,000 people. He actually does follow back fans who request it. At least sometimes.

The site Waiting for Bieber uses Twitter’s API to show, in real time, people who tweet “follow me justin”. Because there’s a realistic possibility Justin will follow you back if you ask, people are asking him literally all day long. What’s the benefit of being followed by Justin since he follows roughly the six times the capacity of Madison Square Garden? You’d have to get inside the mind of a teenage girl to understand, I can’t help you there.

Of course, it’s very likely that Just in Bieber is actually going to try to have sex with his fans over Twitter. However, that’s not necessarily true of other celebrities and athletes.

Indeed, there are plenty of famous people out there who consider Twitter to be a babe buffet, and are waiting for the delivery they ordered on Seamless to show up. Here’s how to get your favorite celebrities to talk dirty to you over Twitter (and possibly have sex with you IRL):

1. Be a hot woman. But don’t worry – you don’t actually have to BE hot, just have a hot photo. If you can accomplish this with 2004-Myspace angle trickery, go for it. Twitter thumbnails are tiny, so the photo won’t be up for too much scrutiny.

The woman here is a former Playboy Playmate; Vernon Hamilton is a former NBA player.

2. Don’t worry about being too aggressive. Sometimes you have to be persistent. There’s a Nickelback fan who writes often and has built up a rapport with whichever band member runs the Nickelback Twitter and gets very flirty messages back. These are publicly posted messages – who knows what goes on in private messaging.

3. Sometimes they’ll just come to you. Take the case of Jaleel White, the actor best known as Urkel from Family Matters. He had the following DM exchange with a then-17-year-old girl (he stopped messaging her when he started to suspect she was underage).

The exchange started when White lamenting that he was still unverified on Twitter, while Kanye West, who had just joined Twitter, was verified immediately (related note: is there anything more sad than celebrities begging to get verified on Twitter?). Twitter user @stumblebee responded to him, “That’s because he’s Kanye West and you’re Jaleel White.”

White misinterpreted this as a flirtation, not a dis, and followed her back to start DMing. The best is when he asks her to “bend over”.

4. Remember, on the internet, no one has to know you’re a dog (in both the New Yorker cartoon way and in the mean insult way), so don’t even feel constrained to use real photos of yourself.

Recently, I had a hot and steamy direct message and text exchange with Twitter enigma Jose Canseco where I enticed him by using photos I pulled off a random hot girl’s ModelMayhem.com account as my avatar. This was all fairly stupid; I didn’t actually want to pursue a romantic entanglement with the former baseball player, I just wanted to see if I could get him to send me a dickpic to share with my friends for fun (I failed at that mission).

A fake photo won’t help you if you want to take things offline. Also, if you’re planning on doing this, make sure you can find enough pics of the same girl in different outfits and poses - when Jose request a photo of “my” butt, I was left scrambling - turns out googling “iphone butt” doesn’t work so well.

Are these kind of shenanigans going on all the time? Since the real juicy dirt happens over direct messaging on Twitter, we can’t see it all out in the open. However, tantalizing nuggets are tossed out when someone accidentally sends a message meant for DM as a public tweet.

We all know that worked out for Anthony Weiner.

So happy Twitter flirting, best of luck, bon voyage, and be careful out there, folks!

Michael Jordan’s son’s accidental tweet to a porn star from May 30.

Ray Allen’s accidental tweet to an unnamed woman (probably not his wife). He later claimed his account had been hacked.

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