25. Hulk Hogan, Santa With Muscles
Hogan’s dopey, hammy Santa lacks commitment to both Christmas spirit and hair color continuity. Zero stars.
24. Fat Santa
Fat Santa (frequently described as Santa meets Jabba the Hutt) has terrible teeth and a worse complexion, but his rich velour coat-and-pants set is sound.
23. Richard Riehle, A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas
The bowler hat is no substitute for the stocking cap, even given this particular Santa’s lustrous curls.
22. Bill Goldberg, Santa’s Slay
This Santa Claus is murdering entire families right out of the gate. Wikipedia describes it thusly: “Santa arrives at Hell Township and proceeds to kill the locals in various holiday-themed ways.” Rude/not hot. Good muscles though.
21. Jeff Gillen, A Christmas Story
Not only is he the meanest of all Santas, the red nose here surpasses charm and slips into scalded-looking.
20. Al ‘Red Dog’ Weber, Scrooged
Well-costumed and well-equipped. Pretty old though, even for Santas.
19. Ed Asner, Elf
Pleasingly cranky and bushy of eyebrow.
18. Donald Duck, Toy Tinkers
Pros: Donald brings a certain rare joyful mischievousness to his Claus. Cons: webbed feet.
17. Edmund Gwenn, Miracle on 34th Street
Possibly the Santa most dedicated to being Santa there ever was. Why? What moves him to be Santa? It’s a mystery, which is appealing.
16. Stan Francis, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Cute PJs and remarkably shiny hair. Weird proportions.
15. Robert Brian Wilson, Silent Night, Deadly Night
What Wilson’s Evil Santa has that Goldberg’s lack is a great catchphrase: yelling “NAUGHTY” at people before killing them with an axe. Looks like if your 1980s football captain became a serial killer Santa.
14. Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places
Doesn’t take care of his clothes, doesn’t take care of himself. You think you can fix him, but you can’t.
13. Rickey Smiley, Friday After Next
Commits a robbery *while* dressed as Santa Claus. A serious NOT as far as Santa Claus Hot-or-Nots go.
12. Ben Affleck, Reindeer Games
Again, crimes committed while Santa are NOT COOL. Put down the gun and pick up the bag of toys for all the good girls and boys.
11. The Grinch as Santa Claus, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
Crafty and grumpy, but moved by caroling and gestures of kindness. Willing to grow. Great dog.
10. Jim Carrey as the Grinch as Santa Claus, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Some trade-offs vs. other Grinch Santas here: a more pallid shade of green in skin, but three-dimensional.
9. Tony Danza, Stealing Christmas
Bank robber in the past, desperate need of a haircut in the future.
8. Douglas Seale, Ernest Saves Christmas
Great old-timey British accent. Sincere. Sharp suit.
7. Santa Claus, The Nightmare Before Christmas
Able to withstand prolonged kidnappings and come out forgiving on the other side. Incredibly thick beard.
6. Jack Skellington as Santa Claus, The Nightmare Before Christmas
Almost *too* into Christmas, if such a thing were possible. Good at sewing. In great shape.
5. Billy Bob Thornton, Bad Santa
Christmas-wise: despicable. Truly the worst. Sex appeal-wise? Ugh, more than you’d like.
4. Mickey Rooney, The Year Without A Santa Claus
Delightful voice, delightful shades of pink and purple, the only thing remiss with this Santa is his (temporary) shaken commitment to Being Santa. But even the good ones get tired.
3. Mickey Rooney, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Ginger Santa? Nice.
2. Tim Allen, The Santa Clause
Sparkly-eyed. Surprisingly diverse wardrobe of Santa-like apparel. Great dad.