christmas

The Definitive Ranking Of Santas By Hotness

Ho ho HOOOOOO, baby.

25. Hulk Hogan, Santa With Muscles

Legacy Releasing Corporation / Via top10films.co.uk

Hogan’s dopey, hammy Santa lacks commitment to both Christmas spirit and hair color continuity. Zero stars.

24. Fat Santa

Fat Santa (frequently described as Santa meets Jabba the Hutt) has terrible teeth and a worse complexion, but his rich velour coat-and-pants set is sound.

23. Richard Riehle, A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

Warner Bros. / Via mediamikes.com

The bowler hat is no substitute for the stocking cap, even given this particular Santa’s lustrous curls.

22. Bill Goldberg, Santa’s Slay

Media 8 Entertainment / Via feastingonroadkill.com

This Santa Claus is murdering entire families right out of the gate. Wikipedia describes it thusly: “Santa arrives at Hell Township and proceeds to kill the locals in various holiday-themed ways.” Rude/not hot. Good muscles though.

21. Jeff Gillen, A Christmas Story

Not only is he the meanest of all Santas, the red nose here surpasses charm and slips into scalded-looking.

20. Al ‘Red Dog’ Weber, Scrooged

Paramount Pictures / Via imfdb.org

Well-costumed and well-equipped. Pretty old though, even for Santas.

19. Ed Asner, Elf

New Line Cinema / Via laraandthereelboy.wordpress.com

Pleasingly cranky and bushy of eyebrow.

18. Donald Duck, Toy Tinkers

Walt Disney Productions / Via alookatdisney.blogspot.com

Pros: Donald brings a certain rare joyful mischievousness to his Claus. Cons: webbed feet.

17. Edmund Gwenn, Miracle on 34th Street

20th Century Fox / Via telegraph.co.uk

Possibly the Santa most dedicated to being Santa there ever was. Why? What moves him to be Santa? It’s a mystery, which is appealing.

16. Stan Francis, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rankin/Bass Productions / Via thefineartdiner.blogspot.com

Cute PJs and remarkably shiny hair. Weird proportions.

15. Robert Brian Wilson, Silent Night, Deadly Night

What Wilson’s Evil Santa has that Goldberg’s lack is a great catchphrase: yelling “NAUGHTY” at people before killing them with an axe. Looks like if your 1980s football captain became a serial killer Santa.

14. Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places

Paramount Pictures / Via pie-magazine.net

Doesn’t take care of his clothes, doesn’t take care of himself. You think you can fix him, but you can’t.

13. Rickey Smiley, Friday After Next

Cube Vision / Via youtube.com

Commits a robbery *while* dressed as Santa Claus. A serious NOT as far as Santa Claus Hot-or-Nots go.

12. Ben Affleck, Reindeer Games

Dimension Films / Via stevethemovieman.proboards.com

Again, crimes committed while Santa are NOT COOL. Put down the gun and pick up the bag of toys for all the good girls and boys.

11. The Grinch as Santa Claus, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

The Cat in the Hat Productions / Via backinjack.blogspot.com

Crafty and grumpy, but moved by caroling and gestures of kindness. Willing to grow. Great dog.

10. Jim Carrey as the Grinch as Santa Claus, How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Getty Images / Via Universal Pictures

Some trade-offs vs. other Grinch Santas here: a more pallid shade of green in skin, but three-dimensional.

9. Tony Danza, Stealing Christmas

USA Cable Entertainment / Via loonachicklit.wordpress.com

Bank robber in the past, desperate need of a haircut in the future.

8. Douglas Seale, Ernest Saves Christmas

Touchstone Pictures / Via millionaireplayboy.com

Great old-timey British accent. Sincere. Sharp suit.

7. Santa Claus, The Nightmare Before Christmas

Touchstone Pictures / Via disneymoviesandfacts.tumblr.com

Able to withstand prolonged kidnappings and come out forgiving on the other side. Incredibly thick beard.

6. Jack Skellington as Santa Claus, The Nightmare Before Christmas

Touchstone Pictures / Via fanpop.com

Almost *too* into Christmas, if such a thing were possible. Good at sewing. In great shape.

5. Billy Bob Thornton, Bad Santa

Columbia Pictures / Via hollywood.com

Christmas-wise: despicable. Truly the worst. Sex appeal-wise? Ugh, more than you’d like.

4. Mickey Rooney, The Year Without A Santa Claus

Rankin/Bass Productions / Via lfab-uvm.blogspot.com

Delightful voice, delightful shades of pink and purple, the only thing remiss with this Santa is his (temporary) shaken commitment to Being Santa. But even the good ones get tired.

3. Mickey Rooney, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Rankin/Bass Productions / Via jonathanlack.com

Ginger Santa? Nice.

2. Tim Allen, The Santa Clause

Walt Disney Pictures / Via looklikegarycooper.tumblr.com

Sparkly-eyed. Surprisingly diverse wardrobe of Santa-like apparel. Great dad.

1. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Walt Disney Pictures / Via angelfire.com

Noble. Humble. Age-appropriate. <3 <3 <3 JTT <3 <3 <3

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